The Bitch'in Moms Manifesto

This year for Mother’s Day, I wanted to give my peeps something truly Bitch’in… so I’ll leave delivering the sweet cards, bath products, scented candles, flowers, chocolates, and soothing herbal tea assortments to your family.

Instead, I bring you THE BITCH’IN MOMS’ MANIFESTO:

1. We Love. It begins and ends right there. A mother’s love is unconditional, but we don’t forget that applies to ourselves too. (In other words, we make time to do things like take showers or join the roller derby.) That’s a WHOLE LOTTA LOVE.

2. We Embrace Impermanence. Ages and phases, as they say — this applies to our kids and us. Life is flux; resistance is futile. So do we do our best to hang on to the shit that really matters, like our values, and let the rest of it roll. Seriously, we bitch’in moms know how to LET IT GO.

3. We Know Perfect is a State of (An Unstable) Mind. Imperfection is where the creativity, excitement, and joy are found. This doesn’t mean we don’t strive for perfection; we just recognize that it’s not about the destination, it’s all ABOUT THE JOURNEY.

4. We Play Nice, at Least Publicly. There’s a big difference between bitch’in and being a plain ol’ bitch. We work it out before we go to that PTA meeting, talk to the teacher, have a chat with the coach, or call that other mom whose kid is buggin’ ours. We know that being a BADASS is about holding our ground, not pulling it out from under someone else.

5. We Bring Sexy Back. Fuck sweats — we wear what makes us feel good without looking like we stole the crop top off our daughters. We get out, too, AND we DO THE DEED — cuz we know damn well that sex is not just about procreation, unless you are angling for your own kid-based reality show.

6. We’ll Sleep When We’re Dead. It’s a very rock ‘n roll way of talking about the late nights and early mornings and frequent awakenings by kids, pets, etc., but damnit, it’s our bitch’in MOMRIGHT.

7. We Drive. This is of course literal in the sense of the word drive — and if others don’t believe you, tell ’em to check your odometer! It takes fortitude, courage, and conviction to get the amount of shit that needs to be done, done. Also, it’s a more bitch’in way of saying BECAUSE I SAID SO, and I’m the mom.

8. Gray is Our Color. Nothing is black and white, so find that fuzzy gray snuggy that is somewhere in between, and wear that shit around like a badge of honor. It’s also a very chic home accent color, and when the curtains match the rug, it’s a HOT LOOK. (I don’t get that last line, either, but it makes gray sound sexy.)

9. We Don’t Let Life Should All Over Us. Just because we can do it all cuz we’re damn superheroes, doesn’t mean we should do it all. And we know that HAVING IT ALL AND DOING IT ALL are two different things.

10. We Are Aware of How Fleeting It All Is: And that makes the blood, sweat, tears, tantrums, flu seasons, toddler/tween/teen moods, not to mention the birthday parties, graduations, and other happy events, something to savor. This is our mantra: THESE ARE THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

11. We Love. It begins and ends right there. Period.

This one’s dedicated to my mom, who is the most Bitch’in of all! She’s the one who taught me everything I know, and along with love, it begins and ends with her.

Happy Mother’s Day, my bitches! You = Rock!

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