Joy, happy, merry — are you feelin’ it today?
I certainly hope so, because 2015 was one helluva rollercoaster that went to 11… and beyond. Today is the perfect day to take a break and take stock in the year that was, with great hopes for the year that will be.
Allow me to stuff a few things into your stockings before we begin: gratitude for your eyeballs, love from the deep reaches of my bitch’in heart and fervent hopes that your dreams are being danced into fruition by sugarplum fairies and other beautiful things.
This past year was not for the meek, my bitches — everything was quaking, and I’m not just talking about Caitlyn trying to walk in heels at the ESPY’s — but the whole damn stratosphere seemed to turn upside down and sideways.
All I can say is this: it’s a good thing we have each other.
I like to think of my Bitch’in blog as a thermometer to take our collective temperature. And this year, the things that made us who we are are the things we gravitated toward most. Some years that kind of fortitude is exactly what the doctor ordered. (Well, that and apparently weed is what the doctor ordered in 2015 — so much legalizing, not so much criticizing!)
With that, I bring you the Bitch’in 2015 Year in Review:
January 2015: The year started and ended in the same place: Paris. We all hashtagged “Je Suis Charlie,” in response to the horrendous massacre at humor magazine Charlie Hebdo. When satire is taken literally, we’re all in trouble. And my bitch’in ass is certainly on the line, since much of what I enjoy writing has a lampoon-ish bent. You know, like texting acronyms all parents must use. I mean, they really don’t have to (or DO they, lol, especially when they’re sl2ts [secretly listening to Taylor Swift]?)
February 2015: I like to think of February 2015 as the year’s girl power month. When Patricia Arquette won Best Supporting Actress for her work in Boyhood and said, “To everyone who gave birth to every tax payer and citizen of this nation, we have fought for everybody else’s equal rights… it’s our time to have wage equality once and for all, and equal rights for women in the United States of America,” our collective lady hormones sent a shot around the world that vibrated through other big events in February: from the release of the 50 Shades of Grey movie (not necessarily a high point, save the funny ass female-driven satires that proliferated) to the #LikeaGirl campaign that won the Super Bowl ad war, it was a watershed moment for women. (The other BEST Patricia Arquette moment of 2015 was also an Amy Schumer one — the brilliant “Last F**kable Day” — I’m STILL laughing. And crying a tiny bit. And doing a spit-take of the melted pint of Half Baked, the #1 flavor 2015 of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, that I just chugged…)
March 2015: If there’s one thing that we learned in March 2015, it’s STOP USING YOUR PERSONAL EMAILS FOR BUSINESS! (I’m talking to you, Hillary Clinton!) Then again, I get it. I mean, I’m a mom, and we’ve got that whole multitasking thing to deal with — I mean, who among us hasn’t accidentally sent an email to our boss that was meant for our spouse about grabbing some Chinese food on the way home? And then both people arrive at the same time, and you have to pick your chow mein, as it were. It’s a busy, busy life, my bitches — that’s probably why I hit such an Oprah note in March — with surefire ways to get unstuck, how to celebrate every day without trying, and a little bit of a rant too — I mean, since when do parents need to know EVERYTHING? Oh… since forever… sorry, I forgot. Remind me — who was it again that said it takes a village?
April 2015: If February was the girl power month, then April was the woman power month — as our “most fascinating person of the year,” Caitlyn Jenner kicked off her coming out in a revealing interview with Diane Sawyer. This tipping point was big for not just the transgender community, but also for anyone who yearns to lead an authentic life. It’s hard to break out of those Breakfast Club roles we get cast in as teens, y’know? Also in April we had yet another senseless, horrible death of an African-American man at the hands of law enforcement — Freddie Gray in Baltimore, MD. All I’m saying is #BlackLivesMatter.
May 2015: May is always the month of mothers, and in this year of so much turbulence, it was actually a fairly calm, nurturing stretch, relatively speaking. Still, my bitches came out in droves to figure out where the hell the time REALLY goes, and also to feel some genuine body positivity for the mom bod. The biggest bummer in May was the end of Mad Men, although we realized that we’d still like to buy the world a Coke after all.
June 2015: In a nutshell: #LoveWins! As the Supreme Court endows same sex couples with the legal right to marry, we all move closer to equality in this country that was founded upon the basis of, well, equality. (“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed…”) Of course the landmark ruling on June 26, 2015, included WOMEN, too. With our work done for the month, we all took a sentimental journey back to camp, because there are at least 100 reason why we’ll always be campers (my most shared post of the year =). In other June news, it turns out that Jon Snow really did know nothing. (No spoilers here!)
July 2015: I think one of the more notable things that happened in July was that I saw Magic Mike XXL so you didn’t have to. Oh, that and Greece was officially flat broke, the Iran Nuclear deal heated up in Vienna, and there was yet another mass shooting in a movie theater that was showing Trainwreck — and thus, ironically, one of the highlights of 2015 became a horrific reminder that gun violence is NOT FUCKING FUNNY. (Mass shootings, by the way, were an altogether WAY too common occurrence in 2015 — AND STOP FUCKING SAYING THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT. Jumping ahead from July until now (as of 12/3/15) Rolling Stone reports there’s been 353 mass shootings in the U.S. in 2015. ENOUGH!)
August 2015: Not that this is my chatty-ass holiday card to you (well, maybe it is), but a big highlight for me was traveling to Israel in August. While generally an amazing, uplifting trip, it also had some intense moments. As was the way in 2015, what began as a beautiful experience — witnessing a Gay Pride parade in Jerusalem that celebrated love, international style — ended horribly when a religious zealot stabbed six people just a short distance from where my family, friends and I were standing, wounding five and killing one… a 16-year-old girl. Later on that same trip as I listened to bombs dropping across the border in Syria, I couldn’t help but feel for those who have been suffering for the last four and a half years in a brutal civil war that has created a horrendous refugee crisis and left over 250,000 dead. And I had to wonder if we’ll ever see peace in the Middle East — although I do have some ideas about that. Maybe that’s why when I got home I turned to nostalgia. No harm in looking back to feel better about moving forward.
September 2015: There were some excellent moments in September, but of course I always turn to awards shows for my inspiration. This year we didn’t have to go too far, as Viola Davis’ eloquent speech for her Emmy Award win for Best Actress in a Drama series for “How to Get Away with Murder,” was empowering and more social commentary on the position women — in this case, African-American women — hold in Hollywood. All I can say is take me to Shondaland, because she is the real artistic deal. (For us Grey’s Anatomy lovers, however, it has been a leap of faith this year — OY, McDreamy! — I’m holding on though…). For those of us who like to roll around in creative discomfort, I’d submit we should look no further than Dave Grohl. He may have broken his leg this year, but he can still kick out the jams like nobody’s business.
October 2015: October can be a scary month, and sometimes nothing horrifies me more than the unrelenting quest to project the picture perfect life. As the fall heated up with some terrifying harbingers of things to come (mysterious Russian plane crash over Sinai, which was revealed to be an ISIL-planted bomb), I found solace hanging with my girls — we have a code you know, even when we’re grown ups.
November 2015: Just as we started the year, we are rounding home in Paris, where 128 people were killed in a horrible series of ISIL-orchestrated attacks. But my bitches, if we go to a place of fear, then the terrorists really do win. That’s why although the world may seem fucked, there’s still a lot we can do. Persisting with joy, staying open, loving and accepting, proceeding with our life as if there were nothing to do but puke rainbows all day long — these are all good ways to start. That and buying Adele’s album, 25, and singing “Hello” at the top of your lungs, while simultaneously weeping. Or, if you’re like me, you can just develop a little OCD of Justin Bieber’s “Purpose” album — if that boy can turn things around, then we can all beliebe it’s gonna get better. Just remember — united we stand, and you know what happens when we are divided. (Now I’m talking to YOU, TRUMP!!!)
December 2015: Forget your troubles my bitches, c’mon get happy! We’ve got a landmark climate change deal going AND for the first time EVER, the Force is strong in a girl! She’s a Rey of light (saber) and can battle with the best of ’em. Star Wars: The Force Awakens is a beautiful reminder that even when the forces of good seem like “the resistance,” it always has the upper hand over evil. Hope I didn’t spoil anything if you are the last human being that STILL hasn’t seen the movie! (PS: Director J.J. Abrams is yet another kick ass GenXer that reminds people it’s high time to stop making fun of the ’80s!)
Bitch’in Predictions for 2016
- While everyone is pretty much over watching you Whip/Nae Nae, we are ready to see you Dougie. Cuz we taught you that move a long time ago, and we’re still waiting.
- Of the 9,782,368 licensing deals Disney did for Star Wars, ONE sells like hot crossed buns: Chico’s Commander Leia Organa collection, “Galactic ‘n Grizzled,” which consists of sensible pants suits made of space-aged material that wicks away drool and wrinkle cream, filters cigarette smoke so it smells like Maz Kanata’s Cantina after the droids freshen it with Eau d’Yoda and has multiple secret compartments where you can store chips — not digital with holographic maps to say, find Leia’s twin brother, but actual chips. Ladies get hungry when they’re planning rebellions, y’know. Sales go through the roof when Hillary wears her GnG to the first presidential debate.
- Kendall Jenner breaks the internet again by Instagamming the interior of her left nostril with its delicate nasal hairs fanned out into miniature hearts — echoing her previously most viewed Instagram image (2.6 million views). The entire world collectively sighs, then sneezes vigorously.
- Man buns are out, lady biscuits are in. Use your imagination for that one!
- In a bold move, Trump chooses Omarosa as his running mate. In related news, Joan Rivers turns over in her grave and does a spit-take, and Arnold Schwarzenegger loses his mind, muttering something about how at least he was a “governator,” and how he should run the country, not just the “low-zy Apprentice show.”
- I write Amy Schumer in for President of the U.S. with J-Law as her Vice President and EVERYONE ELSE DOES, TOO! It’s UNPRECEDENTED, but that makes America the funniest, smartest, goofiest country ever. And the whole damn world could use some lightening up so I say we go with it. Who’s IN?
- The new social media platform especially for parents, OhSnapchat is launched. It allows mom and dads to share their 1-10 second video “stories” making fun of their kids’ stories on Snapchat. Cuz we know the young’uns think they invented pranks, challenges, selfies, sexting and more, but hullo — same story, different technology. Been there, snapped that.
- Bacon and kale are out, spam and seaweed are in. As if spam and seaweed were EVER out!
- Taylor Swift decides to forgo bad blood, becomes BBFs with all the other pop queens (Selena, Nicki, Katy, Ariana, Miley). And the world decides it seriously doesn’t give a shit, because it’s so over trumped up, girl-on-girl “feuds.”
- Love remains the answer — because… DUH… there was NEVER any question about that!
And to all my bitches — my prediction for you in 2016 is that it will be YOUR YEAR, full of amazing things, including hearts, flowers, rainbows, unicorns and so many good hair days. I mean, too many to count. You’re so fly.
XO Your friendly neighborhood Bitch’in Suburbia.