If you’re like me, you are a person of many lists.
To do lists, grocery lists, reminder lists, books I should read lists… the list goes on and on.
It’s gotten to a point where not only do I ignore my lists, but I even forget to look at the bright pink Post-it notes I put on actual items to remind me to complete at least one damn task. Ever.
This could continue perhaps to infinity if I didn’t have a moment to think. But lately with two children traveling in opposite directions, I now have several hours a day in my car to mull over all the things I need to do.
The meditative schlep-o-rama recently led me to this epiphany: nothing on any of my lists is anything I actually want to do.
This breakthrough came as I listened to a strange brew of podcasts over the last few weeks. Much like eating a chili dog before you fall asleep, consuming zesty podcasts like comedian/philosopher Marc Maron’s WTF and my BBF Koren Motekaitis’ How She Really Does It has given me a bad case of heart-yearn.
I realize that there are things I am passionate about, and yet I’ve let them get stone cold on the back burner of life.
And I’ve allowed distraction to do the driving for far too long. (Although if distraction literally could drive, as in a car, I’d gladly hand over the wheel. Any port in a commuter storm…)
My first instinct was to put together my bucket list just to be sure I’m getting my ya-yas out in this lifetime.
But that wasn’t exactly it. First off, I’m not interested in putting my attention on dying — I’m much more interested in living long and out loud. And second of all, those posters I’m seeing around town for Last Vegas, which is one of those “death and Viagra” flicks, just reinforces that I’m not ready for a bucket list, nor probably ever will be. I’m honestly OK with never sky diving or taking down a casino or accidentally overdosing my man on Viagra for that matter.
On “How She Really Does It,” Martha Beck, life coach and author of a ton of great, inspiring books, spoke about how since she was a child, doing one thing a day that she’s afraid of has made her the superstar visionary she is today.
While in some ways this makes sense to me, when I think about things I fear, I keep coming up with being locked in a closet with puppets, a tea party after dark at the American Girl store, and being forced to marry a carnie. Not to mention sky diving, bungee jumping, riding roller coasters, and mayonnaise.
So although Martha and my other hero, Eleanor Roosevelt, both extol the virtues of fear (“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.” ~ E. Roosevelt), I decided that I needed to find my own way to renew the quest to find the bigger, better, and more authentic me.
And so, my bitches, I came up with the concept of a F*ckit List. Here’s what a F*ckit list is (and is not):
– The F*ckit list is actually not a list. It’s a state of mind when you think, “F*ck it, I’m just gonna do it.” Or, conversely, “F*ck it, I’m too [fill in the blank – bored, tired, burnt out, disinterested, annoyed, etc.] to do [fill in the blank].” Either one clears the decks for miracles to parade on in.
– It’s nothing that you write on a piece of paper, log into your “Reminders” app, stick in your Evernote, hang on your fridge, scrawl on your white board, or jot on a Post-it note… unless you want to do any of that. But one more carefully crafted list isn’t gonna jettison you past the daily grind into the stratosphere of stupendous — know what I’m sayin’?
– The surest way to tell if something belongs on your F*ckit List is to check your level of resistance. If it’s high, and you’re not doing the deed anyways, it’s time to figure out which side of F*ckit the task at hand is on. Listen to your Universe: it won’t lie to you AND it will either propel you forward (F*ckit, I’m doing it!) or give you a hall pass (F*ck it, I’m not doing it!)
– The F*ckit List mantra springs from “Me & Bobby McGee” (written by Kris Kristofferson and sung by the ultimate Bitch’in Rock ‘n Roll, Janis Joplin): “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”
Here’s why that mantra works: if you believe that you are free then all the have to’s and should’s fall apart, and you see clearly that they are nothing but roadblocks… and then you truly understand that you can’t lose. That’s not the same as being guaranteed a win or success — but I can guarantee you will die not trying. A little piece of your heart will go, and then the rest will fold swiftly from there. (And yes I do listen to classic rock on my endless drives! I told you, epiphany comes when the strange brew boils.)
To get you started with your own F*ckit List, here are a few things I have or have had on mine (see, it’s a stream of conscious thing):
I’ve been rejected 37 times. F*ckit, maybe the 38th’s a charm.
I should go grocery shopping, but it’s a gorgeous day. F*ckit, I’m going out to play, and we’ll order in tonight.
I’m writing a musical. I don’t know how to write musicals, or music in general. F*ck It, I’m doing it anyways.
I’m so burnt out I can’t move, but I’m not sick… My softballer has a doubleheader tonight but if I skip it for no “good” reason, I might lose my bid for “Mother of the Year” if I don’t go. F*ckit, I’m going to the movies instead.
I have no inspired ideas for my blog this week but I’m totally into the disciplined creativity, not to mention I love my bitches that read the damn thing. F*ckit, I’m in no matter what.
So if you see me deep in thought, just know that I might be considering my F*ckit List. That little smile on my face is a dead giveaway — just as it is on yours.