Halloween is my favorite holiday — when celebrated properly, you can find yourself in an outfit that doesn’t have a waistband with an endless supply of candy at your fingertips.
Or, conversely, you can dress for every sexual fantasy you have, and nobody will blink an eye. Then again, what’s truly scary is costumes for hooker princesses, naughty fairies, and slutty witches are all available in pint-sized versions, and your daughter wants them all.
Once she’s copped your kinky cop look, it’s time to grow up and get creative.
Here are Bitch’in Suburbia’s Top 10 Real Adult Costumes for Halloween 2013. Please note that to prepare for each and every one, you should have a vial of pills, a pack of cigarettes (or an e-cig for you vapers – makes you sound like you’re celebrating Halloween everyday with your horrible habit!), and a bottle of booze. Like I said, Halloween is my favorite holiday!
10) 1950s housewife: Pick your poison — from funny (Lucy) to frigid (Betty Draper), there are many great characters to choose from. Your Halloween costume starts early; begin by preparing a wholesome breakfast for your family. As soon as everyone leaves, pop a fistful of pills, flip on the soaps, sip on an endless martini, nibble on bon bons, and chain smoke the day away. By the time they return, you’ll be the perfect 1950s housewife.
9) Off-Duty Disney Princess: Start with your basic 1950s housewife costume (cigs, pills, booze), toss in some tulle, throw on a tiara, and voila, you’re an off-duty princess! Add activities like sleeping, singing to animals that you’ve hallucinated, dreamily dance around your room, and making out with strange men.
8) Off-Duty Prince Charming: All you need for this one is an undershirt with epaulets and a pair of freshly pressed boxers. Grab your princesses’ vices, load up, and spend the rest of the night insulting people while alternatively scratching your balls. Tell pretty women, “today’s your lucky day — your prince is ready to come,” and be sure to say it in front of your squires for maximum hijinks and hilarity.
7) Bad Mummy: This one’s not gender specific, since you’ll be wrapped in toilet paper. With a cigarette hanging out of your mouth, steal candy from children, shout your curse at passersby, and for a grand finale, unfurl your toilet paper all over your neighbor’s tree.
6) Future Miley: Pull on a nude bikini without any push-up support or built-in Spanx. Add topknots and a foam middle finger. No need to stick your tongue out or swing naked on a wrecking ball; you’re already terrifying.
5) Future Bieber: Don’t worry, there’s no reason to spend your lifesavings to look like the Biebs; As future Bieber, all you need is a worn-out purple sweatshirt and a comb-over. Since you blew all your cash on idiotic things like a leopard print sports car, all you have left to race around your block is a 1998 Corolla. Do donuts until your NFL neighbors Tweet about your bad behavior and shut you down (again).
4) 50 Shades of Gray: Sure you can be clever by covering yourself with paint chips, but why bother? Begin planning this costume about a month before Halloween — simply stop dying your hair. When the big day comes, you can carry around some nipple clamps or a set of handcuffs (along with your other vices) so everyone gets that you’re in a costume, and it’s not just scary real life. (Well, maybe it really IS your life, and that would be more thrilling than scary…)
3) The Real Kate Middleton: Princess, schmincess — you know that what a woman looks like a few months into motherhood is pretty scary. A few days before Halloween, put on a baby blue polka dot dress and wear it around, 24/7, because you know new moms seldom change their clothing. Add breast milk from leaky nipples and splotches of baby food. Stick some unidentifiable flotsam into your formerly glossy brunette locks, and shove the whole ‘do up in messy ponytail with a crooked tiara. Remove all make-up, take a swig of flat ale to convey the scent of quiet desperation, take long drags on your fag, and cry a little bit. If you have a partner, have him grab a car seat in a faux display of chivalry, and he can spend all of Halloween trying to figure out how to install it into your horse-drawn carriage.
2) Scary Selfie: First, get all hopped up on goofballs (whatever that means to you), and then put on an outfit that you think makes you look sexy. If possible, douse the clothes with a bit of bleach before you dress, so that it has the proper washed-out Instagram effect. Hold up a handmade “grunge” frame and a flashlight that you’ll shine in everyone’s eyes for that sun-drenched feel. Now, mug for the invisible camera. If you’re a girl, shoot for as much cleavage as possible with a come-hither “sparrow” face to match. (“Duck” is over, “Sparrow” is in: eyes wide open, puckered lips with a small opening that make you look like a baby bird waiting to be fed.) If you’re a guy, take off your shirt, flex a bicep, a pec, or both, and give the peeps your best “wounded bulldog” (Adopt me from the pound! I won’t bite!) or “Alex P. Keaton” (Yes, I am a know-it-all, and you’re gonna like it….)
1) Orange is the New Zombie: While the rest of my ideas are for primarily for entertainment value, this my bitches is what I really am going as this year. Forget “Freudian Slip” as the cleverest concept on the block; this one I’ve lifted straight from the pages of pulp lit (Price and Prejudice Zombies; Sense and Sensibility Sea Monsters— both real books!) I prefer to mash-up my scary creature with even scarier creatures, for example, “Real Vampire Housewives of New Jersey” — my look last year.
So if you see me shuffling around town in an orange jumpsuit with a bloodstained zombie face, just throw me a fistful of Hershey’s Special Darks, and send me on my way. Don’t worry; I won’t bite… unless you want me to.