This past week the whole world cheered as Kate Middleton gave birth to the baby who will someday be king.
There are many classy traditions around British royal births, including the fact that the news is delivered in a white envelope to Buckingham Palace, and the Queen is the first to read the details before announcing it to the world.
Rather quickly, we found out that one royal tradition — natural childbirth — may not have been in the cards for Kate. However, it was confirmed that she had a vaginal birth.
That I read this rather private detail in several reports made me laugh out loud. I could only imagine what was written on the note the Queen received:
“Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, was safely delivered of a son, at 4:24 p.m., local time, weighing 8 lbs., 6 oz. The Duke of Cambridge was present for the birth, and by conjecture he confirms that the baby arrived vaginally. The Duke himself averted his eyes from the Duchesses’ savaged crumpet, lest he go blind and/or decline to produce a spare.”
Of course none of those top-secret bulletins were posted on the easel outside the Palace for the public to see, but I’m just making an educated guess, having given birth vaginally twice myself. I immediately sent the Duchess an email, recommending that she do what I did and get a few extra stitches for posterity when she’s done with being a king and/or queen maker.
I added that the phallic implications of the multiple, lingering cannon salutes were a nice touch, as was the announcement that William will be the first royal to take paternity leave…. and he’s already changed a nappy! Just thinking about changing nappies make me feel like I need to be napping… but still, the Cambridges will have plenty of nannies to change those nappies, anyways. (Now say that 10 times fast!)
Meanwhile, across the pond, we’ve all been disappointed for weeks that our own version of self-anointed royalty, Kimye, the Duke and Duchess of Selfieshire, had their daughter a few weeks too soon to Keep Up With The Kambridges. In true royal fashion, Kim gave birth naturally — vaginally and sans pain meds. And in true Kardashian fashion, it was captured on film, by momager Kris Jenner. Although it was announced that the video was for “family viewing only,” one can only imagine that Kim’s crowning will be the jewel in Kris’ new talk show when her ratings need it most.
In related news, brother Rob Kardashian is eBay auctioning off his right to view the video of his sister giving birth. Said Rob, “I’ve already killed enough brain cells watching her sex tape with Ray J — it’s a scary K-hole — make someone else do it!”
In this Summer of Love, there’s plenty of other celebrity vajayjay coming out to play-play. (Now say that like Luther in The Warriors movie in a creepy, taunting tone.) Miley’s country bumpkin is set to perma-trend this summer, and Amanda Bynes is becoming more notorious (not to mention, notably mentally ill) every time she opens her mouth and tweets (“I want @Drake to murder my vagina,” or talks (well, make allegations like a cop who came to arrest her “slapped” her vagina).
These attention-seeking young women may be grabbing headlines, but honestly, it just makes me sad — despite the fact that I too used the word “vagina” multiple times in this week’s blog to snatch (eyeballs) as snatch can.
And actually, all these headlining births have given me a springboard to talk to my son about his summer school health class. The high school video about the miracle of childbirth is apparently quite graphic, and after viewing it, he spent a full day feeling nauseated — morning sickness by proxy. This led me to finally be able to finally have the big sex talk, beginning with who not to do (sorry Miley and Amanda, this includes you!) and ending with the truth about having babies: it’s not easy, it’s not pretty, but it is truly miraculous and well worth the muss and fuss. (Or pomp and circumstance, depending on who you are!)
So if you see me trolling eBay for a commemorative royal birth silver penny or the glimpse of North West’s birth on video, just know that it’s only because I always want to remember the Summer of Love… and vaginas.
Speaking of crumpets — royal and otherwise — please enjoy this video from the British maxi pad company, Bodyform. It’s their response to a man’s comment on their Facebook page that took issue with the unrealistic world period commercials normally paint — and also a bloody brilliant way to speak the truth about the tunnel of love: