the funny thing about vaginas
Humor, Parenting

The Funny Thing About Vaginas

I’m calling it here and now: 2016 is the Year of the Vagina.

We are in a post-modern vag-world now, y’all. Our nether region, once taboo in mainstream media, has become a pretty much daily staple, thanks to celebs like Kim Kardashian, whose Constagrammed cooze and serial spreading for mags is surely an inspiration to us all and Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s opened our eyes to the Mugworth V-Steam (“an energetic release — not just a steam douche…”) as a the “it” girl of spa treatments and homemade lube alike.

Although these bold illustrations surely indicate that penis envy is out, cooter coveting is in, the vaginal tipping point for me is the idea that periods are FINALLY FUNNY.

In one night I caught up on the Season 3 finale of Broad City and a recent episode (#4) of Inside Amy Schumer, and found a wealth of menstrual material.

First off, Broad City’s finale about BBFs Abbi and Ilana heading to Israel on a “Birthmark” (riff on Birthright) trip had a hashtag that said it all — #therewillbebLOOd. (Periods aside, there was a freakin’ hysterical joke about the “mohel chai” club, too.)  The two-part finale was essentially a running gag about menstruation that started with Ilana going through security wearing a Shark Tank-worthy innovation: period-stained pants that kept drug-sniffing dogs from finding the weed she was smuggling in her vagina, and ended with her fashioning a homemade tampon for Abbi from a pita and various other, uhm, inventive materials that was mistaken for a bomb.

(Note: What’s NOT so funny about that is while what Ilana made for Abbi was incredible, edible and (relatively) safe, you’d never chow down on real tampons cuz they’re chock full o’ toxins — back to Goop for some info about glyphosate-treated cotton, which is the chemical used in the pesticide Round-Up that may cause cancer… and is present in basically all non-organic cotton items… like tampons, for example. And don’t forget about dioxin — also a controversial chemical that is used in tampons to make ’em all purty and white. Not enough for the FDA to worry about… but maybe you should think twice? To be fair, the FDA isn’t wrong about the idea that a little trace toxin won’t necessarily kill ya, but consider the fact that the average woman will use 9,6000 tampons in her lifetime. In my opinion, that’s a lot of time spent with potential poisons in your pussy. Time to buy yourself and your daughter some alt period wear like DivaCups or Thinx!)

On the heels of watching Broad City, I flipped over to Inside Amy Schumer, and lo and behold, the entire episode was basically about periods — from “Madame President,” which satirizes how “lady problems” could theoretically, cataclysmically and hilariously grind everything to a halt (no woman believes that shit, but some men might, just sayin’), to a jazzy solution for taking the tampon walk of shame to your work’s restroom. (If you missed it, the episode is here.)

When a couple of male comedians shot down the idea of period sex cuz it “smells like pennies,” I literally LOL’d — I mean, c’mon — when we can ALL laugh at periods, that’s the ultimate equalizer, amiright? (Also, it lends credence to the term “coin purse,” which is one of the more colorful slang terms for vaginas.)

Speaking of “Madame President,” the other thing that makes 2016 the Year of the Vagina is it’s ALL we can talk about when it comes to our presidential election. Whether we’re being told to vote with our vaginas or NOT to vote with our vaginas, it’s all about, well, voting with our vaginas.

As a side note, I’m guessing that Donald Trump must be really, truly hoping that people with vaginas won’t use their genitalia to vote — as the New York Times pointed out, the best word to describe his private relationships with women is “complicated.” (Over here at Bitch’in Suburbia, we just calls it as we sees it — and Trump has a bad case of PMS — Patriarchal Misogynistic Syndrome. In other words, much like his multiple millions, he inherited something else from his daddy: total disdain the very people who will make up more than 50% of the voting population come November.)

Does it worry Trump that the word vagina comes from the Latin root meaning “sheath for a sword?”

(This is a rhetorical question, and also one I really wish Megyn Kelly would’ve asked him — especially since he made her menstrual cycle the butt of a [not funny] joke. You’d have thunk that someone with “gyn” in the middle of her name would’ve played a little more lady hardball with the Donald, but not so much…)

Vaginas in general make excellent decisions vs. penises in my opinion.

Witness these vagtastic statistics:

Women have nerve, and the driver of that ballsy boat is sensitivity:
Look no further than the magnificent clitoris, which sports 8,000 nerve endings — about double the amount that penises have. Clits spread the good word to 15,000 other nerve endings, awakening the dragon and arousing the warrior in all of us.

Vaginas are a muscular feat and a show of strength all in one tidy package:
A Russian woman once lifted a 31-pound weight with her vagina. But we don’t need extraordinary displays of weight lifting prowess to prove our power — we routinely birth babies anywhere from six to nine pounds, which is akin to pushing a watermelon out of a garden hose. Also, there really is a thing called penis captivus, and it’s just what it sounds like — no dick can escape the wrath of a clamped-down vagina. Maybe that’s ANOTHER thing a Madame President could use to fight terrorists? Just a thought…

Everyone loves vaginas — even Disney:
The first movie to use the word “vagina“ on film was Disney’s, The Story of Menstruation, released in 1946. Of course the film wasn’t released theatrically — it was a glorified ad shown to 105 million girls about “that time of the month” — AND the blood was shown as white, not red. But still, Disney busted that cherry.

Vaginas, like everything else about women, are totally self-sufficient:
Much like the other kind of pussies (cats, people, I’m talking about CATS!), vaginas are self-cleaning. Natural secretions, or discharge, are the special sauces in our “self-cleaning ovens.” In fact, it’s things like perfumed soaps, smelly douches and other products geared toward masking the scent of a woman that can cause problems, as these items can upset the healthy balance of bacteria and pH levels and irritate the lady bits.

So if you see me having a cackle with my camel toe, just know that I’m reveling in the Year of the Vagina. Now if you’ll please excuse me, I have to go page Mike Hunt…

In the meantime, enjoy this hi-larious Funny Or Die clip featuring the vagtastic Mary Lynn Rajskub (CHLOE!), with a funny ass video about voting with your vagina —

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