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Best o’ the Bitch, Parenting, Pop Culture

Pink Guns & The Morning After


There’s been a lot of commotion and discussion over the horrible story of the 5-year- old Kentucky boy who accidentally shot and killed his 2-year-old sister last week with his own “My Little Rifle” miniature gun.

Yesterday I joined the fray and debated fellow mommy blogger, Trisha Haas (, on CNN. If you missed it, check it out:

My position, if you couldn’t exactly tell, was that the marketer of this gun, Keystone Sporting Arms, was not to blame for this horrific tragedy. The original guest, my friend and popular blogger, Jessica Gottlieb, would’ve argued this point brilliantly: she owns a gun, is a parent, and is also one of the brightest people I know. She is not buying pink guns for her daughter, but she is also not buying that the marketer is to blame in this horrific incident.

Neither do I, by the way. But I came from a different perspective: I don’t own a gun, but I am a marketing professional. And in my day I’ve had to market some pretty horrific products myself — like the time I had to put together a video box set of A&E programming for their #1 viewed Biography programs. read more

Bitch’in Life, Parenting, Pop Culture

Live Like The Brady Bunch: 6 Ways to Simplify Life


Ever find yourself yearning for a simpler time?

If you answered, “ALWAYS,” then you are living in today’s overly complicated world, where everything is possible, and nothing is clear. Our generation is on the other side of social, economic, technological, and political upheavals; while great in some ways, it’s a total disaster in others. And it’s freakin’ hard to keep spinning the gerbil wheel of duty, honor, and responsibility.

I’m exhausted by it all, and so are my friends. We often talk about how it seems that our parents didn’t deal with the shit we do, nor did they have to. One income was sufficient, and choices were relatively limited anyways. Kids bopped around town, and adults didn’t have to worry much about safety. And our favorite TV shows reflected back these comparatively easier times, which always came to neat conclusions in 30 minutes flat.

On that note, I’d like to thank my BBF (Best Bitch, er Bastard, Forever) Bobby for coming up with a kick ass blog topic for me this week: an ode to a favorite classic show, The Brady Bunch. Or, as he put it, “I want The Brady Bunch’s problems!” read more


The Shocking Truth About PTA Moms


We all know a power PTA mom — you can spot her a mile away in the carpool lane because she’s always the first in line.

You can smell her before you see her. It’s the telltale scent of homemade cookies fresh from the oven for that day’s fundraising bake sale.

You can see her hands caked in paint from helping with the messiest classroom project of the year, or making 700 copies of the holiday program, or leading meetings about traffic safety, or schmoozing the principal (with a platter homemade cookies baked especially for the office staff).

You can ask her any questions about the inner workings of the school and she will know the answers, from how to procure permits for a Halloween fair and other fund or “fun”-raising activities, your school’s district ranking, plus a detailed history of its “Great Schools” scores (including all reviews), which teachers your kid must have/avoid, and so much more.

You can love her, hate her, respect her, fear her, appreciate her, revile her… but you will always be glad that she’s doing what she’s doing because you sure as hell wouldn’t want to. read more

Bitch’in Life, Parenting

Are You A Housework Addict?


Housework, if you do it right, can kill you. ~ Erma Bombeck

In my darkest hours of folding the fifth load of laundry or running around the house in an endless loop of finding one more dirty glass to fill the dishwasher, I turn to Erma Bombeck, patron saint of the harried housewife, for inspiration. And as spring cleaning looms, her humorous warning becomes all the more prescient.

I worry about us, my bitches, as according to a recent Real Simple and Families and Work Institute survey, women have become unable to distinguish between chores and leisure time.

And although we put cleaning at the top of the list of what we most hate, we also refuse to delegate, preferring to hoard housekeeping tasks like so many junkies teetering on the edge of self-destruction.

The survey calls this phenomenon, “gatekeeping,” which sounds sort of valiant and protective, but in reality is a great way to shut ourselves off from endless opportunities, not to mention non-dishpan hands.

So today I am making a shocking admission that nobody — especially my mother, who bore the brunt of my early “Oscar Madison” years — would ever see coming. read more

Best o’ the Bitch, Bitch’in Life

The Mommy Wars Within – How to Pick Your Battles


Periodically the so-called “Mommy Wars” kick back into high gear, with a flurry of media attention aimed at getting us vagina-toting soldiers all up in arms.

You could feel it coming last month when Marissa Mayer, new mom and Yahoo CEO, put a ban on telecommuting. The drumbeats quickened when Facebook’s CEO Sheryl Sandberg published “Lean In: Women, Work, and The Will to Lead” earlier this month. And you could see the natives reach a feverish pitch when major publications like New York Magazine started publishing reactionary cover stories with titles like, “The Feminist Housewife.”

You know the drill: we hear shots from every side of the mother ’hood — working moms are self-realized, productive, financial contributors or conversely, they are selfish women who put their own needs and personal satisfaction above their families’. Stay-at-home moms are selfless caretakers who dedicate themselves to the greater good for not only their own offspring, but also society as whole, or conversely they are boring/bored, unambitious slackers who’ve abdicated all the gains made by the Women’s Movement to take a leisurely stroll down Sesame Street. read more

Bitch’in Life

When It’s Finally Hip to Be Square


Let me first start by saying I always hated that song, and Huey Lewis and the News never did it for me.

Not even now, when the use of ’80s music can make a good indie flick even better and more ironic. (Witness 500 Days of Summer, although even that is somewhat dated now.)

I have a lot of friends who still happily set their XM radio to the ’80s on 8 and leave it there. Not that there’s anything wrong with that — in fact, research says that what you listened to as a teen stays stuck in your head as a matter of physiology, and not just bad taste — but I like to think I’m still pretty hip.

Key words being “like to think.”

For example, my brother recently texted my husband and me that he was at a fancy schmancy software party and the Black Keys were about to take the stage — were they worth staying for?

Big Daddy and I thought my bro — who is three years younger than me — was pulling our chains. When it became clear he really didn’t know who they were, we couldn’t believe it. After all, the Black Keys tore it up at the Grammys, and didn’t that make them mainstream? Of course we’d first caught them a few years ago, when they were just an early act at a big outdoor music fest…. read more

Best o’ the Bitch, Bitch’in Life, Parenting

The Muscle Memory of Motherhood


When was the last time you were entertained by a 92 year old?

And I’m not talking about watching grandma gum a steak, or grandpa try to keep his saggy pants up when he forgets to put on a belt. I’m talking about a little song, a little dance (well, expressive hand gestures anyways), and a few zingers.

The other day my great aunt (and my bitches, great is an understatement — the woman is truly spectacular!) put on a show for her assisted living community. She came to fame by way of the Catskills and in her heyday was the Toast of Pittsburgh, so she had the perfect background to entertain the potentially tough LA crowd/somewhat captive audience.

When I heard my aunt was planning to perform, to be honest I was a little worried. Not because she can no longer carry a tune or tell a good joke — she does both, and often, when I visit — but because in recent months her ironclad memory has finally started to fail.

I have to call her a half dozen times to remind her we’re having brunch together, and inevitably when I arrive I find her already biting into a bagel in the community restaurant. read more

Best o’ the Bitch, Parenting

The Ad That Always Makes Me Cry


I once learned in a marketing 101 class that good advertising evokes an emotional response.

Now that I’m grown, a mom, and probably perimenopausal, I’d like to tell all those emotion marketeers to take their tear-jerking ads and stuff it.

Yeah, I’m talking to you, Sprint.

I’d like to thank you for that time lapse ad of a girl who goes from infant to flower-in-her-hair 12-year-old in 30 seconds flat, to the haunting tune, “All of My Days” by Alexi Murdoch.

I know you’re counting on the fact that I too have a girl, who is also growing up, and if you throw in music that tears at your heartstrings (“I have been quietly standing in the shade/All of my days/… And I’ve been trying to find/What’s been in my mind…”), then you’ve hit the mother lode.

Got me, bastards.

Now why don’t you run that ad over and over when I’m in a room full of people — say, the Super Bowl or the Oscars. And make sure it is right before they announce Best Picture or something like that, so running away for a lengthy crying jag is not an option. read more

Bitch’in Life, Parenting, Pop Culture

What Pink Teaches Us About Being F**kin’ Perfect


Last week my BBFs and I took our girls to see Pink and her “The Truth About Love” tour.

To be honest, before I went I wasn’t a huge fan. My kids and I are in a constant battle over the radio dial — I like my rock loud and hard, and they are pop all the way, so I tend to tune out when they flip on their silly music. Ditto on their end — when I pull up at school blaring KROQ, I meet with angry groans about how embarrassing I am.

This from people who think Nicki Minaj is a genius and Britney can hold a note without Auto-Tune.

Still, Pink had a way of creeping through. She’s had my feminist mommy stamp of approval since “Stupid Girls” and “F**kin’ Perfect.” Thanks to my obsession with tabloids, I knew she has a motocross husband, whom she’d ditched once, and then reconciled with after hammering out their issues in therapy. I like a lady who isn’t afraid to work shit out. Plus I’d seen her stunning acrobatic performance on the Grammys a couple years ago, and I was wondering if childbirth had changed anything. read more

Best o’ the Bitch, Humor, Pop Culture

The Parental Dress Code Memo: What Not to Wear


By now we’re all familiar with the results of CBS’ Grammy Awards Nudity & Obscenity memo that detailed how female stars were to “adequately cover buttocks and breasts,” and avoid wearing “thong type costumes,” anything see-through, or a look that could flash the audience their “female breast nipples” or genitals.

(Can we have a moment about how only female breast nipples are obscene? Not that his chest was bad, or could you see his nips under all those tats, but what the hell was Wiz Khalifa wearing?)

Back the ladies, who mostly got the memo. Witness the Queen-of-Hearts-meets-Scarlett-O’Hara get-up worn by new-mom and 9-time Grammy winner, Adele. JLo, please give a sista a hand and pass that bitch your stylist’s number!

Not that I’m one to cast stones here. Just last week I attended a fancy schmancy pre-Grammy party in a circa 2002 puke green sweater that I pulled out of the archives. Sadly, it was the most “fashion forward” item I had in my closet. read more