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monday envelope

BIS Sez, Bitch’in Life

Save Your Own Life: The Bitch’in Challenge, Week 3

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Welcome to Week 3 of the Bitch’in Challenge! You’ve been working SO HARD to get to this place. All that answering your wake-up call, fixing your bad-ass diet, making sure you drink a gallon of water a day, perhaps bumping up your fitness routine…

So A#1) YAY, YOU! and B#2) STOP right now.

Seriously, sit down. I have something super important to tell you:

This may all be for naught, if you and I don’t do something RIGHT NOW about the sneaky sabotaging scoundrel that can rob you of your life as you want to lead it and live it.

You can do everything in the world to get healthier, but if you keep sucking up the STRESS, you are going to screw yourself, and not in a good/fun/happy way.

SAVE YOUR OWN LIFE: Cut out the stress!

Remember how I told you that my holistic doc called me a “Hot Toxic Box“? (And then I started a punk band by the same name? Our first single is “F*ck My Frozen Liver.”)

In that same appointment she put me on a whole regimen of supplements and detoxes to get my body working right since, according to her, I wasn’t digesting my food, my liver was blocked, my adrenals were shot, my iron and thyroid were both running on empty, and there was also a mixed-bag of assorted other conundrums. This was all super new to me, as regardless of the fact that I live in the LA — land of the high colonics and low rider jeans — I’m a New England girl at heart, so the closest thing to a detox I’d ever done was survive a bout of post-lobster roll food poisoning back in ’92. read more

Best o’ the Bitch, Humor, Parenting

Ask Bitch’in Suburbia: Back to School Edition

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It’s that time of year again, but fear not: Your friendly neighborhood Bitch’in Suburbia has a freshly baked batch of advice on how to survive these first few weeks of drama and trauma as you (oh, and your kids, too) go BACK TO SCHOOL.

Dear Bitch’in Suburbia,

I have a terrible confession to make: I was never one of those parents who pushed her kids more than what was appropriate to their grade level. For example, I didn’t teach my oldest son to read before he started Kindergarten, I never had him tutored, enrolled him in after school enrichment, or signed him up for summer school. I thought this was fine and would help him lead a more balanced life. But now I look at his schedule and he’s in all “regular” classes, and I can’t help but worry that all these years I’ve been giving the boy a hall pass. What do you think?

Signed, Epstein’s Mother

Dear Epstein’s Mother:

Do you really have to ask what I think? If you didn’t have your son working on his dissertation from your womb, then you’ve already lost the battle, the war, and any chance at his intellectual salvation. You didn’t mention what grade he’s in, so for the sake of argument I’ll assume it’s not too late — maybe he’s going into second grade? Because second grade is the line of delineation. That’s when children are assessed and deemed gifted or not. That fancy colored folder determines their fate though the age of 42 or so, when from then on in they can slip into mid-life crisis and forget their tortured, failed youth. If he’s beyond second grade, consider cutting bait — literally, cut some bait and teach the kid to fish. Then at least he’d stand a chance at getting his own reality show because did we learn nothing from Deadliest Catch? There’s a money-making niche out their for your child if you just start looking NOW. read more