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My Bitches, Pop Culture

I Saw Magic Mike XXL So You Don’t Have To

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If you went to see the first Magic Mike, you know how torturous the whole experience was.

All that sitting through Matthew McConaughey’s (“Dallas”) hilarious, oily MC’ing, Channing Tatum’s Magic Mike, the stripper with a heart of gold, Joe Manganiello’s “Big Dick” Richie and his penis pump… all that bumping, grinding, greased up abs, screaming women, unlikely romance, guys in g-strings, etc., etc.

Ugh, so tedious.

So when Magic Mike XXL was released, I figured it was my duty to watch the movie for you as your Bitch’in Suburbia and also as a “straight” vagina totin’  American AND as a fag hag who can spot a good scene for her gay boyfriends a mile away.

In a nut-shell: the filmmakers (99% male) thought that injecting a lot more dialog to show us that men are just like women — sharing feelings, gabbing about probiotic fro-yo, yapping about waxing, and then waxing poetic about marriage — was going “big.” read more

Bitch’in Life, Pop Culture

Summer Sexy Time

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Warning: If you are under 21 or blood-related to me (that’s you, Dad), please stop reading now. This post is rated NC 17 (ot a Cougar, I’m 17 at heart).

This summer is going to go down in history as one of the hottest ones ever. And I’m not talking outside, I’m talking inside at the local multiplex, where traditionally people go to cool down during the summer.

Me, I’m on fire. At least my eyeballs are. In the span of one weekend, they’ve seen more ass than a toilet, witnessed a penis pump up close and personal, and helped me see the light as to why men need nipples. Greased, tattooed, or however you showcase ’em, they’re clearly the gateway to a rock-hard chest and matching washboard abs.

My foreplay movie was Rock of Ages, starring Tom Cruise as aging Arsenal lead singer Stacee Jaxx. Somebody give that guy an Oscar for so convincingly conjuring the essence of ’80s era rock gods, from Axl Rose to Jon Bon Jovi, that I actually forgot he was creepy Tom Cruise for a couple of hours. He was hired to embody S*E*X, and embody S*E*X he did. His Satanic, bejazzled codpiece was classic, and his insanely ripped body — tummy to tush — was nothing short of a miracle, particularly since Mr. Risky Business is now 50. I’m wondering if that took more CG-animation than his Mission Impossible movies, or if his kibbles ’n bits are the real deal. Only Katie Holmes knows, but she’s not talking, unless it’s on a disposable cell phone. read more