adolescence
Bitch’in Life, Humor

10 Sure Signs You’re in Your Second Adolescence

0 comments

Adolescence, as we all know, is a transitional stage from childhood to adulthood that’s marked by disruption, disorientation and discovery.

And as I recall it from the first time around, it also was exhilarating and soul crushing all at once. I mean, c’mon — did we learn nothing from The Breakfast Club?

Lately I’ve been having a bunch of feelings that I know I’ve felt before, and until I started poking around the Internets, I didn’t realize that a “second adolescence” is not only normal, but to be expected from people of a certain age.

Apparently it pops up in your 30s, 40s, 50s and whenever you retire.

This makes me feel better because I’d hate to be going through something without the camaraderie of my peers. (AHA! Another sure sign of adolescent behavior!)

Speaking of peers, I will say that astute readers of this here blog have noticed a trend of late, a certain inner wrassling that is spilling out into the world like a live-action diary cuz you know — the struggle is real. Literally, as in I’m getting in street brawls, screaming about reemergencies, refusing to age gracefully (unlike Cindy Crawford), scrawling To Don’t lists a mile long, and cursing out people for being mean to my fellow GenXers and me.

read more

real first rule of fight club
Bitch’in Life

The Real First Rule of Fight Club

8 comments

Everyone knows the first rule of Fight Club – you do not talk about Fight Club.

This is easy to keep to if you’re not much of a scrapper. Sure you might have the wayward fantasy of blasting someone with your lungs or your fists, but for the most part, at this stage, in this game, we keep it to ourselves.

After all, we have reputations to uphold, examples to make.

That is until you find yourself in a place where you can’t help but let it rip. And in recent weeks I have had not one but two Fight Club challenges that I couldn’t resist.

The first took place in the early morning at a Jamba Juice. I was rushing (as usual), and my daughter wanted to pick up a smoothie for a friend’s birthday. I jammed into a parking spot in front of the store, and my daughter and I hopped out with the intention of getting in and out quickly.

“You’re parked awfully close to me,” the guy in the spot next to me said. He was sitting in his truck, window opened as it waiting for someone… or maybe something.

read more

reemergency
Bitch’in Life, My Bitches

What to Do When You’re in a Reemergency

2 comments

Reemergency: noun re·emer·gen·cy \re-i-ˈmər-jənt-sē\
1: an unforeseen combination of circumstances that transpire when trying to reinvent oneself and/or the resulting state that calls for immediate action.
2: an urgent need to revitalize and/or remake a situation, circumstance or general way of being.

I don’t often coin terms, but when I do… you know it’s something major.

For the last several months, I have been in a state of severe unrest. Restlessness. Like the ground is shifting, and I’m holding on for dear life, just trying to find my footing.

Problem is, I have no idea where to get even a toehold.

Maybe you’re feeling the same way? (As us people of a certain age are wont to do…)

Assuming you can relate, I’ll tell you a story or three about how reemergencies happen — so you know you’re not alone.

Let’s take a minute in the way back machine, all the way to the late 1990s, right about when my career at the time was peaking — I was on a corporate track that was about to lead to a dream job opportunity. Things were CLICKING.

read more

cindy and my advice
Humor, My Bitches

Cindy Crawford & My Advice on How to NOT Look Your Age

6 comments

The other morning at the crack I was at Starbucks, buying a couple of chocolate croissants, a Frappuccino and some juice for my kids who were coming home from a trip on an overnight bus.

Standing in front of me was a chatty lady that was also on an early morning teen-related mission of heading to a swim meet. Based on the activity, her willingness to pair skinny jeans with New Balance running shoes (hullo, comfort AND style in one ensemble!) and her cute but easy pixie ‘do, I figured we were both about the same age.

She, on the other hand, exclaimed in genuine disbelief about me being old enough to have teenagers. That somehow I must’ve been a baby when I started having babies. And how good it was for me, although she could never pull it off.

Initially I was flattered — I mean, who among us in our youth-obsessed culture doesn’t want to be mistaken for an ingénue? — but as she headed out the door, blowing on her steaming non-fat latte, I got pissed.

Not at her for trying to be nice to me, but at her for disparaging herself because clearly we had the same half-century or so in our rear view mirrors.

read more

love yourself
Bitch’in Life, Humor

69 Ways to Love Yourself

4 comments

Love is in the air, and if you take a big, honkin’ sniff in, you might notice its scent of late smells a bit… familiar.

The tastemakers are at it again, and this time the person they’re telling you to love most of all is, well, yourself.

Maybe you’re not into Hailee Seinfeld, the actress/model/pop star who hashtagged the idea last summer (“Love Myself“) or perhaps you can turn away from the infectious groove of Justin Bieber’s “Love Yourself— potentially a fuck-you to his ex, who is doing an impressive job of her own self-worship of late — but when the boy croons it, I’ll take it at face value.

Outta the mouths of babes, sure, but when you think about it, all they’re doing is quoting Kierkegaard (“Don’t forget to love yourself”), Rumi (“If I love myself / I love you, If I love you / I love myself”) and Lucille Ball (“Love yourself first and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”) — among others, amiright?

read more

revolution
Bitch’in Life

So You Say You Want a Revolution? Here’s How to Start…

3 comments

There is a revolution afoot, and I for one am super excited by all sides of the coin.

Politics aside, I am fully fascinated by how non-traditional, counterculture candidates on both ends of the spectrum are grabbing the spotlight and forwarding their rad(ical) agendas.

I mean, can you imagine a Republican presidential hopeful giving Fox News the virtual finger by refusing to appear on the Right’s de facto “news” channel?

And yet, that happened.

Or can you conceive of a world where an elderly white male is in a virtual tie with the first viable female candidate for president — and she’s the one who’s considered “the Establishment”? AND he’s a self-proclaimed socialist (well, democratic socialist) and that’s looking pretty damn viable as well?

Uh huh, that’s happening, too.

For the first time in a long time, I tuned in to watch the Iowa caucus results — and not just because the word “caucus” sounds dirty.

I am absolutely thrilled that such a large swath of this country is mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.

read more

naked and afraid
Bitch’in Life, Humor

The Joy of Being Naked and Afraid

2 comments

Spoiler alert: If you haven’t seen The Revenant yet AND if you’ve never experienced a Korean spa scrub* before, then shield your eyes before reading this post. Feel free to peek between your fingers, though. 

Last week in the wake of several celebs kicking the bucket way too early (notably Bowie <<still weeping>>), I published a list of 50 things you must do NOW.  Not all of the numerical choices were intentional EXCEPT #11 — “Be naked more often.”

Because, you know, things are much better when they go to eleven.

Full disclosure: When I wrote the list, I had just made a plan with a brand, spankin’ new BBF (Best Bitch Forever) to visit a Korean spa, which is something that I’ve been wanting to do as long as I can remember.

That means all the way back to my college daze when I waitressed in a diner/Korean restaurant, and the ladies that did all the cooking and heavy-duty pan washing had hands as soft as a baby’s tush. When I asked what their secret was, they told me that it was all about the scrub.

read more

life's too short
Bitch’in Life

Life’s Too Short, So Here Are 50 Things You Have to Do NOW

0 comments

Life is a pickle on your plate.

Let me explain: I’m obsessed with really good pickles. That sour snap is something that I’ve loved since I was a wee sprite of a girl. As an adult, I’ll pay outrageous sums to get my paws on a killer jar of kosher dills.

That said, when I go to restaurants and order a burger or sandwich that comes with a pickle, I have a habit of leaving it for “dessert.” Best for last, and that kind of thing. But on many occasions that has really backfired. Either the server takes the plate away too soon, someone else grabs it and eats it before I can stop him/her, or worst of all, life interrupts and I have to leave before I finish that last bite.

Saving your proverbial pickle is not something that bodes well for the act of savoring life, which in the wake of some very profound losses of late — Natalie Cole, Lemmy Kilmister, Alan Rickman, Glenn Frey and <<triple sniff>> David Bowie — seems even sillier than, well, using a pickle on a plate as an analogy.

read more

sh*t happens
Bitch’in Life

What Happens When Sh*t Happens

0 comments

There’s an old expression that theoretically takes the sting out of every bad thing that goes down: shit happens.

And when it’s something small, like you missed a bus but there’s another one coming in five minutes and you have hours to spare, shit happens is a shrug of your shoulders telling the world, I’m cool… no big whoop.

But then there are the way bigger, way suckier things that happen that are less easy to nonchalantly dismiss.

Maybe you get the bad news in an official letter, a summons, a call in the middle of the night, a crash/slash/burn for which you are painfully present.

Or, if you’re like me, it could be a simple knock at the door by someone mumbling something about what kind of car you own and whether or not you have anywhere to be in the next few hours.

So you run outside, only to find that your sole means of transportation has been completely munched by a big ol’ garbage truck.

Much like grief, there are seven phases that we all go through when trying to process the shit that happens.

read more

ashes to ashes
Parenting, Pop Culture

Ashes to Ashes: Remembering David Bowie

2 comments

I’ve had Bowie on the brain for days now, ever since I caught my son listening to the Thin White Duke:

bowie_fb

Not that I didn’t pretty much always have Bowie on the brain: he had me trembling like a flower as a kid… back when that kind of thing happened on a regular basis.

Considering a slew of Tweets woke me from deep slumber last night to the shocking news of Bowie’s demise is just more evidence of how he spoke to so many generations of people with that otherworldly, unmistakable bombastic groove that fills your soul and makes you wish you knew life on Mars even one iota as much as Ziggy did.

There are so many songs in his repertoire that resonate, but one random tune in particular always stood out to me — “Kooks,” from the Hunky Dory album that also brought us the seminal, ground-zero Bowie anthem, “Changes.”

I loved it in my youth, but it was when I had started my path as a breeder that “Kooks” really kicked in:

“Will you stay in our lovers’ story
If you stay you won’t be sorry
‘Cause we believe in you
Soon you’ll grow so take a chance
With a couple of Kooks
Hung up on romancing…

read more