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BIS Sez, Pop Culture

Questioning #LikeAGirl is Just Like a Girl


While Super Bowl XLIX is now a somewhat distant memory, I can’t get one moment out of my mind…. and no, it wasn’t Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll’s “Super Blunder” when he had his QB throw a pass, “waste a play,” and lose the game. (That was a #LikeADamnFool moment if I ever saw one.)

It was the airing of the #LikeAGirl ad, where grown women, a man, a boy, and some little girls demonstrate what it means to “run like a girl” and “fight like a girl.” There is a lot of silly, limp-wristed flopping around to demonstrate the stereotypical “women are the weaker sex” scenario — sadly conveyed not just by the males in the bunch but also by the grown women, too.

And the of course the little girls, who presumably have not yet been gripped by low self-esteem or subjected to antiquated, un-PC, sexist perceptions, proceed to run hard, punch fiercely, and generally kick ass.

For those of us who like to keep score, this campaign sponsored by Always — the feminine protection product that ironically makes me feel like I want to lay down and take a Victorian-era nap vs. be active and bold in the modern world and use a tampon — has been around for about a year. The intention, which is to bolster self-confidence in teen girls, is awesome, albeit a little cloying. read more

Bitch'in Year in Review 2014
Best o’ the Bitch, BIS Sez, My Bitches, Parenting, Pop Culture

Bitch’in 2014 Year In Review + Predictions for 2015


Did you have your selfie a merry and a happy?

Now that the holidaze are over, the relentless clock is ticking down on 2014. It’s just about time to usher in a brand new baby new year that’s so gorgeous and fantastic, we’ll all want to dress her up in Balmain-inspired Kardashian Kids Klothing.

But before we get there, I’d just like to take a minute to spread some gratitude all over you like so much delicious Justin’s Chocolate Almond Butter (my new paleo-ish obsession!). I so appreciate your eyeballs, your comments, your social media interactions — and YOU, bitch’in YOU!

I’m always really intrigued about the blog posts that hit home, and the themes that resonate. As I gaze back on all I’ve covered in this past year, I see a pattern where world events dovetail or perhaps collide with our collective personal headspace in the Bitch’in Year in Review 2014. Here then are the waves that we rode in the past year, month by month:

January 2014: My BBFs Tina Fey & Amy Poehler kicked off January at the Golden Globes with one of the best lines ever about the film Gravity: “It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.” Clooney validated that joke in September 2014 by marrying a woman 17 years his junior — although no never mind to Mrs. Clooney who is bright, beautiful, and dignified in her own right. Indeed, my GenX bitches all agreed that there were at least 7 Ways Old School Beats Being a Young Fool. For example, ladyscaping is a snap, the social media camera almost never turns on us, and perhaps most importantly, we’ll never have to know how to make an Half Caff, Ristretto, Venti, 4-Pump, 120-degree, Sugar Free, Cinnamon, Dolce Soy Skinny Latte, as our post-college careers don’t depend on our Barista skills. (PHEW!) read more

Parenting, Pop Culture

What Orange is the New Black Teaches Us About Parenting


NOTE: No spoilers here! If you’re reading this, then you’re my bitch… in a good way, not necessarily in a prison way… and BBFs never ruin good binges! I myself am consuming slowly to savor the show; so I’m still not done with Orange is the New Black, Season 2. Jealous? 

If you’re like me, the ladies of Litchfield State Prison have you locked up and unable to do much else besides watch them in the new season of Orange is the New Black.

Even if you don’t watch the show, you know the premise: Piper Chapman, a bisexual Yuppie with a male fiancé that wears annoying sweaters, goes to jail for being a drug mule for her ex-girlfriend ten years prior. It’s a fish out of water story set in the cesspool of the US prison system.

Although the series is specifically about harsh realities — the injustices of incarceration, the viciousness of the cycle of poverty, racial tension, drug and alcohol addiction, mental illness, and more — it also lends itself to some universal life lessons, too. read more

Best o’ the Bitch, Bitch’in Life, Pop Culture

7 Ways Old School Beats Being a Young Fool


Maybe it’s me, but lately I’ve noticed a lot of guff from pop culture’s most notable hipstersnappers on the subject of girls of a certain age.

For example, on New Girl where the medium age of the characters is infantile, there was a whole plot line around how a 45-year old boss was forcibly retired before age-related health ailments compromised her ability to be a work whore (oops, sorry, horse). And on The Mindy Project, when Mindy is invited on a tropical getaway in January by her new beau, she riffs on the agony of “wearing a skirted bathing suit like a woman who gave up on life!”

For the record, my creaky knees do not keep me from going anywhere, and fast (probably because I wear sensible shoes with orthotic inserts), and my skirted black tankini would make a woman of any age look adorkable and sexy(ish), 12 months a year… especially if the poolside admirers aren’t wearing their prescription glasses.

And not that People magazine is a bastion of youth, but I took particular offense at the line of questioning in the Michelle Obama interview for her 50th birthday. Among the probing and meaningful gems were, “When do you think, ‘I’m getting old?’,” “Do you have a philosophy on plastic surgery, Botox, fillers?” and “Anything you won’t wear anymore? Do you ask, ‘Is this age-appropriate?'” read more

Bitch’in Life, Pop Culture

Your Bitch’in Playlist to Get Sh*t Done


One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. ~ Bob Marley

Without music, life would be a mistake. ~ Nietzsche

No pain, no mistakes, no gain. Fuck it; I’ll take music for 500, Bob.  ~ Bitch’in Suburbia

If there’s anything that your Bitch, Bob Marley, and Nietzsche can all agree upon is the importance of music as a tool for better living through grooviness.

Witness, for example, a recent post-party cleanup on New Year’s eve. The classic rock portion of the playlist came on starting with Gimme Shelter, and the motley lot of us flew into a tidying frenzy. Scorecese couldn’t have orchestrated it better — up to and including air guitar from the lone guy in the group with the rest of us rockin’ a bad Merry Clayton falsetto. Rape and murder might be just a shot away, but a clean kitchen is at your fingertips when you crank up the Stones.

Now, think about working out. I’m a big spin class girl, and a lame playlist is like listening to baseball stats during sex. A kick ass track or two or six, however, can help you lose five pounds like that — all in sweat. (For my local LA peeps, try TC’s class at Blazing Saddles. Just sayin’.) read more

Best o’ the Bitch, Bitch’in Life, My Bitches, Parenting, Pop Culture

The Bitch’in List 2013 + Predictions for 2014


The New Year is upon us, and there are two words on the tip of my tongue and at the top of my mind:

Ron Burgundy.

(Just kidding, but isn’t it crazy how that dude was EVERYWHERE in the 4th quarter, 2013? The marketing was better than the movie, which I give one snap, and by the hymen of Olivia Newton-John, several nose-snorting chortles.)

The real two words I have for you are THANK YOU.

You and your eyeballs are totally appreciated. I am so honored to be your bitch — and I didn’t even have to twerk, cook meth, or pick a feud with Kanye!

And in the end, from the mixed bag of ramblings I bring to you each week, I remain delighted and mystified as ever before as to what floats my bitches’ boat. So rather than a “Best of” list, I bring you “The Bitch’in List 2013,” which is my own version of the year in review:

1) You love it when I talk dirty to you: Strangely or predictably enough, posts in which the title included an f-bomb or other 4-letter word got loads of play — despite the fact that oddly sanitized Facebook wouldn’t let me promote those naughty-language posts. I’m talking about When Autism Speaks, It Says Some Awesome Sh*t ,What’s on Your F*ckit List?, Open Letter to Breast Cancer: F*ck You, and What Pink Teaches Us About Being F**kin’ Perfect. read more

Best o’ the Bitch, Parenting, Pop Culture

The Good Thing About Being a Bad Mother


Every once in a while the Universe tosses me a blog theme I can’t resist, and last week, Big Mama had something she wanted me to hear loud ‘n clear: Bad mothers can be pretty damn awesome.

Keep in mind that the word, “awesome,” has a dual meaning; it can be either most excellent or most terrifying.

I like words that swing both ways. Take for example “Bitch’in.” First off, I love reclaiming the word, “bitch,” because I am a feminist (and a dog lover). And then I really dig the next layer of meaning, when something or someone is a bitch, or tough to handle. On the other hand, when something’s really great (and if you are a Valley girl especially), it’s bitch’in.

I was thinking about all of this when the aforementioned Universe threw a bunch of dicey maternal characters my way, which I’ll now toss to you for consideration:

First, my son had an essay question about Charles Dickens’ classic, Great Expectations, and I paraphrase: There are several bad mothers in the novel. Explain why they are awful, as well as how the terrible consequences of their actions are wrought on their children. read more

Pop Culture

Top 10 Adult Halloween Costumes 2013


Halloween is my favorite holiday — when celebrated properly, you can find yourself in an outfit that doesn’t have a waistband with an endless supply of candy at your fingertips.

Or, conversely, you can dress for every sexual fantasy you have, and nobody will blink an eye. Then again, what’s truly scary is costumes for hooker princesses, naughty fairies, and slutty witches are all available in pint-sized versions, and your daughter wants them all.

Once she’s copped your kinky cop look, it’s time to grow up and get creative.

Here are Bitch’in Suburbia’s Top 10 Real Adult Costumes for Halloween 2013. Please note that to prepare for each and every one, you should have a vial of pills, a pack of cigarettes (or an e-cig for you vapers – makes you sound like you’re celebrating Halloween everyday with your horrible habit!), and a bottle of booze. Like I said, Halloween is my favorite holiday!

10) 1950s housewife: Pick your poison — from funny (Lucy) to frigid (Betty Draper), there are many great characters to choose from. Your Halloween costume starts early; begin by preparing a wholesome breakfast for your family. As soon as everyone leaves, pop a fistful of pills, flip on the soaps, sip on an endless martini, nibble on bon bons, and chain smoke the day away. By the time they return, you’ll be the perfect 1950s housewife. read more

The Whites of Breaking Bad
Parenting, Pop Culture

What Breaking Bad Teaches Us About Parenthood


Spoiler Alert: I’m not gonna talk about any details that will give away key plot points, but I will give you enough background so if you’ve never watched arguably the best television show in history, you’ll get my drift … and probably settle in for a binge right then and there.

Breaking Bad is a show — well, a magnum opus, actually — about the American Family. The basic premise is that Walter White, a milquetoast chemistry teacher when the series opens, finds out he has lung cancer. In his zeal to provide for his family and leave a legacy of more than just crippling medical bills, Walt begins “cooking” and selling methamphetamine.

The cancer comes and goes, but the meth? Whether crystal form or paper form (as in money), it becomes a constant as Walt morphs from Mr. Chips into Scarface.

Skyler White, Walt’s long-suffering wife, provides the “moral compass” to the show (well, until she doesn’t). What is most fascinating about Skyler is how much people hate her. You would imagine that the despicable crimes of a drug kingpin (Walt) would earn the ire of fans, but actually, everyone is cheering for Walt and praying that he dodges one more bullet and stays 20 steps ahead of “the bad guy” one more time. read more