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Girl Code for Grown-Ups
Best o’ the Bitch, My Bitches

Girl Code for Grown-Ups

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Hey all my bitches of a certain age — do you know what the Girl Code is?

Aside from being a very popular MTV series where funny ass X-chromosomal beings share their views of the “rules” of sisterhood, it’s also generally the female morays we all know in our heart of hearts but maybe don’t speak of all the time.

To give you some examples from the Urban Dictionary (a less raunchy, more garden variety kinda deal) Girl Code includes things like:

– If you change boyfriends so fast they rarely achieve name status, a man must be around for at least six weeks before you make your friends bother to learn his first name. Until such time, he should be referred to as “The boy” or “That guy.”

– You are to never diss a friend’s boyfriend except to agree lightly or nod when she says he’s being an asshole. In most cases it is easier to nod. Exception: If a guy cheated or dumped your friend it is exceptional for you to claim he isn’t good enough, and that she deserves better as well as reminding her that he was an asshole anyway.

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pink is the new black
Bitch’in Life, My Bitches

Pink is the New Black: Every Time I See It I Wanna Cry

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It’s October, my bitches, so you know what that means: The Pinkwashing of America is ON!

You’ll have your NFL players running around dressed like little ballerinas, your buckets ‘o fried pink chicken, your special makeup kits featuring all hues of the carcinogenic spectrum from toasty rose to burning fuchsia, your not so subtle display of what appear to be nipple cakes and buxom pink-sprinkled candy apples displayed under a banner of pink ribbon “courage” balloons at your local grocery store. Messages of hope and support will be printed inside your yogurt lids, and outside labels of soup cans will proudly wear pink ribbons like lady warriors. And of course you will be hit up countless times (or hit others up, depending) for sponsorship in walks for the “cure.”

You will drown in a sea of awareness, as the #2 killer of women will be found in more than 300,000 new victims, and breast cancer will claim more than 40,000 this year. (Source: American Cancer Society)

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magic mike xxl
My Bitches, Pop Culture

I Saw Magic Mike XXL So You Don’t Have To

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If you went to see the first Magic Mike, you know how torturous the whole experience was.

All that sitting through Matthew McConaughey’s (“Dallas”) hilarious, oily MC’ing, Channing Tatum’s Magic Mike, the stripper with a heart of gold, Joe Manganiello’s “Big Dick” Richie and his penis pump… all that bumping, grinding, greased up abs, screaming women, unlikely romance, guys in g-strings, etc., etc.

Ugh, so tedious.

So when Magic Mike XXL was released, I figured it was my duty to watch the movie for you as your Bitch’in Suburbia and also as a “straight” vagina totin’  American AND as a fag hag who can spot a good scene for her gay boyfriends a mile away.

In a nut-shell: the filmmakers (99% male) thought that injecting a lot more dialog to show us that men are just like women — sharing feelings, gabbing about probiotic fro-yo, yapping about waxing, and then waxing poetic about marriage — was going “big.”

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Bitch'in Body Positivity
Best o’ the Bitch, Bitch’in Life, My Bitches

Body Positivity for the Mom Bod

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As the days heat up and we all start stripping down for spring and summer, it’s high time to give it up to the Body Positivity Movement, which is all about appreciating yourself from head to toe, and accepting yourself exactly how you are.

Fat, thin, busty, flat, voluptuous, lean… stop labeling, start loving. Screw our crazy cultural norms, and get radical with the whole shebang.

And it’s not just about weight — over at Fuck Yeah Body Positivity, we’re reminded that it’s all about “reclaiming all aspects of our bodies which society has deemed unacceptable. Whether you are skinny or curvy, short or tall, light or dark skinned, clear skinned or pimpled, you are beautiful…”

This from a 22-year-old woman named Katie — I love her blog for all her enthusiasm and support. So when my 14-year-old daughter laments about her “gigantic hips,” I send her in Katie’s direction. Or in Jes Baker’s direction. (Just because I know telling the kid she’s “fat like me doesn’t necessarily help… nor does the ye olde “joys of child-bearing hips” lecture, either.)

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Bitch'in Year in Review 2014
Best o’ the Bitch, BIS Sez, My Bitches, Parenting, Pop Culture

Bitch’in 2014 Year In Review + Predictions for 2015

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Did you have your selfie a merry and a happy?

Now that the holidaze are over, the relentless clock is ticking down on 2014. It’s just about time to usher in a brand new baby new year that’s so gorgeous and fantastic, we’ll all want to dress her up in Balmain-inspired Kardashian Kids Klothing.

But before we get there, I’d just like to take a minute to spread some gratitude all over you like so much delicious Justin’s Chocolate Almond Butter (my new paleo-ish obsession!). I so appreciate your eyeballs, your comments, your social media interactions — and YOU, bitch’in YOU!

I’m always really intrigued about the blog posts that hit home, and the themes that resonate. As I gaze back on all I’ve covered in this past year, I see a pattern where world events dovetail or perhaps collide with our collective personal headspace in the Bitch’in Year in Review 2014. Here then are the waves that we rode in the past year, month by month:

January 2014: My BBFs Tina Fey & Amy Poehler kicked off January at the Golden Globes with one of the best lines ever about the film Gravity: “It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.” Clooney validated that joke in September 2014 by marrying a woman 17 years his junior — although no never mind to Mrs. Clooney who is bright, beautiful, and dignified in her own right. Indeed, my GenX bitches all agreed that there were at least 7 Ways Old School Beats Being a Young Fool. For example, ladyscaping is a snap, the social media camera almost never turns on us, and perhaps most importantly, we’ll never have to know how to make an Half Caff, Ristretto, Venti, 4-Pump, 120-degree, Sugar Free, Cinnamon, Dolce Soy Skinny Latte, as our post-college careers don’t depend on our Barista skills. (PHEW!)

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Ahhhh, "news"
My Bitches

Bruce Jenner’s Hair, Ebola, Breast Cancer

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Q: What does Bruce Jenner’s hair, breast cancer, and Ebola all have in common?

A: They’re all terrifying, trending, and there’s seemingly nothing we can do about any of them.

Let’s break this down, one by one, for shits, giggles, and possibly the initiation of a full-blow existential crisis.

1) Bruce Jenner’s hair: I’ll give you that the former Olympian’s attempts at clinging to his former Adonis(ish) self is heart-breaking. Sure, he looks like a bad replica of Michael Jackson circa “This is It,” (OUCH!) but what is truly horrifying is that HIS HAIR IS HEADLINE NEWS. Not kidding — over the past weekend, Bruce Jenner was trending because he wore it long and loose at an Elton John contest. (Once you’re a Buzzfeed list, replete with faux-gif, you are THE TREND.) Just Google “Bruce Jenner’s Hair” and you’ll get 2,430,000 results.

Bruce’s mane is just the tip of the troubling iceberg; we fixate on superficial stories (i.e., Kim and North’s matching sheer-black ensembles, Kendall’s modeling career, Khloe’s bad boyfriend but good car choices) as our world literally falls apart.

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Uterus Piñata - find it on Etsy!
Best o’ the Bitch, My Bitches, Parenting

How to Talk About Periods, Period.

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I think I finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up:

I want to be a menstrual activist.

I know what you’re thinking — not another menstrual activist — but I’m telling you, there’s definitely room for more. 

Take, for example, the feminine “hygiene” biz. First off, from a marketing perspective, that is a horrible word to use when it comes to periods, which are, by nature, a bloody mess. Secondly, let’s give a big shout out to the Huffington Post for their recent expose, “Even Companies That Sell Tampons Are Run By Men.” Would any card-carrying X-chromosomal being think that BLUE LIQUID was a suitable representation of menstrual blood? Would she EVER show a woman ecstatically bounding around in a white body suit as if that’s somehow freeing ANY time of the month, but especially when it’s THAT time?

(By the way, it’s not just the pads ‘n ‘pons manufacturer Kimberly-Clark, that boasts an predominately male board of directors and senior management staff; pretty much all major companies that market to women — aside from Avon, those beautiful little bell ringers! — have Y-chromosomal thugs pulling the shots at the top levels.)

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You know you're a camper when....
Best o’ the Bitch, Bitch’in Life, My Bitches, Recipes

You Know You’re A Camper When…

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The sound of a Greyhound bus pulling up makes you totally bipolar; it’s either your greatest joy (going to camp) or your most tear-stained misery (leaving camp).

You love nature, but only really if you can still operate a hair dryer for socials.

You used to have white clothes for Friday night services, but by summer’s end they’re an unidentifiable grayish-pinkish color called, “Camp Laundry.”

You lost your virginity trying to get up on one waterski.

You recognize the significance of your bed-choice: top bunk says daring loner; bottom says wimpy socialite.

Bug juice is your beverage of choice.

You own a trunk, a house-sized duffle bag, or both.

You await the mail each day with baited breath and secretly pray there’s a care package from your mom with candy and gum surreptitiously taped to the pages of comic books and Teen Beat magazines. Nothing says love more than a parent complicit with breaking all the camp rules.

Seemingly useless trivia is your bailiwick.

You hate stuffed animals in real life, but at camp you have enough to make a snuggly line-up to chase away the homesick blues. (Or, conversely, as you move into senior camp, to explain various sexual positions that are tough to verbalize but make complete sense when illustrated by a teddy bear and a stuffed elephant.)

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Let's give 'em something to talk about...
My Bitches, Parenting

The Vagina Dialogues: What Real Women Talk About

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“The heart is capable of sacrifice. So is the vagina. The heart is able to forgive and repair. It can change its shape to let us in. It can expand to let us out. So can the vagina. It can ache for us and stretch for us, die for us and bleed and bleed us into this difficult, wondrous world. So can the vagina. I was there in the room. I remember.” ~ Eve Ensler, The Vagina Monologues

Why do people say, “Grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina! Those things take a pounding! ~ Comedian Sheng Wang, often misattributed to Betty White (I wish Betty White really said this!)

Last weekend I went away on an annual Mom’s Escape with a group of my most fabulously outspoken BBFs (Best Bitches Forever). Almost immediately, the conversation went south… as it always does.

The topic du weekend: vaginal rejuvenation. What it is, who would want it, how we’d imagine it would turn out, who’s the best doc to do it (in real life, not in our Channing Tatum-laced fantasies — look, he started it with Magic Mike!!).

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From my bitch to yours, here's to a magical New Year!
Best o’ the Bitch, Bitch’in Life, My Bitches, Parenting, Pop Culture

The Bitch’in List 2013 + Predictions for 2014

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The New Year is upon us, and there are two words on the tip of my tongue and at the top of my mind:

Ron Burgundy.

(Just kidding, but isn’t it crazy how that dude was EVERYWHERE in the 4th quarter, 2013? The marketing was better than the movie, which I give one snap, and by the hymen of Olivia Newton-John, several nose-snorting chortles.)

The real two words I have for you are THANK YOU.

You and your eyeballs are totally appreciated. I am so honored to be your bitch — and I didn’t even have to twerk, cook meth, or pick a feud with Kanye!

And in the end, from the mixed bag of ramblings I bring to you each week, I remain delighted and mystified as ever before as to what floats my bitches’ boat. So rather than a “Best of” list, I bring you “The Bitch’in List 2013,” which is my own version of the year in review:

1) You love it when I talk dirty to you: Strangely or predictably enough, posts in which the title included an f-bomb or other 4-letter word got loads of play — despite the fact that oddly sanitized Facebook wouldn’t let me promote those naughty-language posts. I’m talking about When Autism Speaks, It Says Some Awesome Sh*t ,What’s on Your F*ckit List?, Open Letter to Breast Cancer: F*ck You, and What Pink Teaches Us About Being F**kin’ Perfect.

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