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to don't list
Bitch’in Life, Humor

20 Things to Put On Your To Don’t List

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I don’t know about you, but 2016 dawned for me with a “To Do” list about a million miles long.

Actually, I do know about you, because on my Facebook feed EVERYONE was busy doing something to get back on track with post-vacation/staycation life.

I saw juice cleanses, diets, people griping about getting back into the gym, heart-wrenching status updates about returning kids to wherever they came from (school/college, military service, etc.), pithy sayings about going back to “adulting,” and so on.

In my case, I had a stack of mail that included, in no particular order, a jury duty summons, a thick packet of 2015 tax prep, three expiring magazine subscriptions, and a bunch of bills.

And that was the easy stuff. Way bigger, more exciting and yet more daunting things loom — including doing a ton of leg work to launch my new content marketing, writing and editing biz, It’s the TruStory.

Had I made any New Year’s resolutions, I’m sure they would’ve been swept up and tossed in the recycle bin for next year like so many empty bottles of bubbly. We’ve got too much “real” work to do, so the lofty goals schemed up maybe just a few days ago are probably already on the back burner.

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stop making fun of the 80s
Best o’ the Bitch, Bitch’in Life, Humor

Dear World: Stop Making Fun of the ’80s – XO GenX

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Hey Guys:

Just wanted to give you all a reality check. Cuz you know what GenX sez — reality bites, and actually, I feel like lately it’s taking a big ol’ chunk out of my ’80s peeps.

You know us — we’re the latchkey generation. The losers that are said to be the first bunch ‘o chumps to have less wealth than our parents. The measly 50 million or so that are bookended by “The Greatest Generation” (Baby Boomers, approximately 80 million) and the talk of the town, the Millennials (approximately 78 million).

You’d think we’d be used to being left out and kicked to the curb, but I’m here to tell you it’s not so bitch’in to be the butt of everyone’s jokes.

Take for example this past Halloween; I figured I’d see a lot of funny/pretty/scary costumes — you know, the Michael Myers, the Disney princesses, the Caitlyns, and so on.

But in the mix, I saw an interesting trend from the silly side of the holiday spectrum: a full-on explosion of ’80s sorts, including a big-haired club girl with crispy mall bangs, a “let’s get physical” lycra-clad workout chick, a Guns N’Roses Slash here and actually there.

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Labor Day
Bitch’in Life, Humor

10 Bitch’in Ways to Make Labor Day Really Work For You

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Ugh, Labor Day. It’s got to be the most hated holiday of them all.

But wait, you say. I love Labor Day. It’s the last hurrah of summer, the biggest BBQ blowout of the year, and the final time this year I can wear white jeans and white heels. 

I know, I know. Nobody wants to use his or her own tears as a salty condiment for burgers and hot dogs, and also nobody wants to ponder the sordid history of Labor Day, that tiny crumb of a whopping one day off that the U.S. government gave its workers back in 1882.

Day drinking aside, in my mind there’s not a whole ton of upside to Labor Day. It’s the last strains of the lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer, and the vibe by Monday night is downright depressing. And on Tuesday morning, your summer hangover — either literal or emotional — is almost too much to bear.

So this year, instead of spending the weekend sitting in traffic on the way out of town or to the beach, consider taking on a little work that will actually help you flip the switch and get ready for a productive leap into back to everything mode. There are 10 ideas here — feel free to work your ass off and do them all, or just pick one or two. Either way, you’ll feel productive and ready to get into the fall groove.

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back to school 2015
Best o’ the Bitch, Humor, Parenting

Ask Bitch’in Suburbia: Back to School 2015

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Hey kids — it’s that time of year: More pencils, more books, and presumably more teachers’ dirty looks. But then again, who could blame them? In a world of Common Core, overly involved parents, undersized budgets, tests to teach to, and a lack of necessary tools (especially time and trust, not to mention those new fangled devices called computers), it’s impossible not to look at least a little pissed off.  Lucky for everyone, your friendly neighborhood Bitch’in Suburbia has the cheat sheet ready with all the snappy answers you need for your back to school questions. Just raise your hand and read on…

Dear Bitch’in Suburbia,

I have this recurring nightmare: I’m in a classroom, and the teacher hands out a test. Everyone around me dives right in, but I can’t read the words. Then the bell rings, and I’m still not done. I wake up every morning in a sweat, and I barely have the energy to get my kids off to school. What do you think it means?

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inspiration for the dog days of summer
Humor

20 Inspirational Quotes for The Dog Days of Summer

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They say every dog has his day, but then again, that takes working like a dog — damn! What’s a hot bitch like you and me to do when the dog days of summer hits? Does it mean it’s not our day just because we can’t muster the energy to work like a dog?

These are questions I ask myself each year when the other Bitch’in Suburbia — my mistress, and I say that in both figurative and literal ways — has me write a guest post for her. Lucky for both of us, we have a new member of the pack to infuse some new ideas to this annual PR stunt. Not that we get any PR from this… it’s just a creative break from the normal bitch’in grind. Anyhow, this year we’ve decided to share our favorite dog-related quotes, and give them our own canine critique. A virtual chew toy for your brain, as it were. And then we can both take a really long nap to recover from all this exhaustive insight. Woof!

“The more I know about people, the more I love my dog.” ~ Mark Twain

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bitchin answers to stupid questions
Humor, Parenting

Bitch’in Answers to 10 Stupid Questions

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Have you tried asking Siri what zero divided by zero is yet?

Before you do, please be forewarned that after all these years, Siri is done with stupid questions and has gone to the dark side.

In short, Siri is now a punishing bitch.

While “indeterminate” is her “straight” answer, if you’re lucky, Siri will tell you this:

“Imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends. How many cookies does each person get?

See? It doesn’t make sense. And Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies. And you are sad that you have no friends.”

Oh, snap, Siri! When this kinda shade is thrown by a disembodied robot voice, it’s somehow even more damning. And endearing.

Which is the perfect combination for an excellent comeback. It’s what Mad magazine’s Al Jaffee perfected with “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.” (Remember those? I believe your Mad magazine collection is hidden under your shoebox full of Wacky Pack stickers.)

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Chipotle
Humor, Parenting

Chipotle is a Better Parent Than Me

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Lately I’ve been worried that Chipotle has taken my place in my children’s hearts.

This is not unfounded: daily they beg to be ushered into her stunning yet classic bosom that cradles them in both soothing white lights and astonishing modern efficiency. Huffington Post once raved, “What Goethe was to German literature in the 19th century and Picasso was to European painting in the 20th century, Chipotle is to chain-restaurant décor today: the one model whose influence no rival is able to shirk.”

Meanwhile, clearing a space on my cluttered kitchen counter or computers-and-homework-laden dining room table normally takes at least five minutes — time none of us really has to spare. Sadly, I am no Goethe or Picasso of the suburban homemaking set. Score one, Chipotle.

Next, moving on to the heart of the matter, are the meals themselves, which are “served with integrity” at the monolithic Mexican Grill. Sometimes, oh so naively, I feel I could take her on that note. Especially since there are just a handful of options to satiate my kids’ hunger — burritos, tacos, bowls, and salads — and they inevitably order the same things over and over again.

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Monday Envelope keeps me sane(ish)...
Best o’ the Bitch, Humor, Parenting

Ask Bitch’in Suburbia: Back to School Edition

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It’s that time of year again, but fear not: Your friendly neighborhood Bitch’in Suburbia has a freshly baked batch of advice on how to survive these first few weeks of drama and trauma as you (oh, and your kids, too) go BACK TO SCHOOL.

Dear Bitch’in Suburbia,

I have a terrible confession to make: I was never one of those parents who pushed her kids more than what was appropriate to their grade level. For example, I didn’t teach my oldest son to read before he started Kindergarten, I never had him tutored, enrolled him in after school enrichment, or signed him up for summer school. I thought this was fine and would help him lead a more balanced life. But now I look at his schedule and he’s in all “regular” classes, and I can’t help but worry that all these years I’ve been giving the boy a hall pass. What do you think?

Signed, Epstein’s Mother

Dear Epstein’s Mother:

Do you really have to ask what I think? If you didn’t have your son working on his dissertation from your womb, then you’ve already lost the battle, the war, and any chance at his intellectual salvation. You didn’t mention what grade he’s in, so for the sake of argument I’ll assume it’s not too late — maybe he’s going into second grade? Because second grade is the line of delineation. That’s when children are assessed and deemed gifted or not. That fancy colored folder determines their fate though the age of 42 or so, when from then on in they can slip into mid-life crisis and forget their tortured, failed youth. If he’s beyond second grade, consider cutting bait — literally, cut some bait and teach the kid to fish. Then at least he’d stand a chance at getting his own reality show because did we learn nothing from Deadliest Catch? There’s a money-making niche out their for your child if you just start looking NOW.

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Hopefully that little boy in the poem didn't strike out... if he knows what's good for him!
Humor, Parenting

Ask Bitch’in Suburbia: Youth Sports Edition

10 comments

Self-appointed youth sports “expert” and general baller, Bitch’in Suburbia, takes your questions and tackles your problems with slam-dunk, gut-checking, hardball advice.

Dear Bitch’in Suburbia:

I’m pregnant, and as a gift, my husband fully decked out the nursery… all with a baseball theme! First off, we don’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl yet, and secondly, although I know he played Little League as a kid, other than watching baseball on TV, I had no idea he was such a baseball nut! Should I be concerned?

Signed, In a Pickle

Dear Pickle:

Concerned? You should be GRATEFUL! No pesky choices once junior is three about what direction to take: if it’s a boy, it’s baseball, and if it’s a girl, it’s softball. Womb to tomb, the key to lifelong success nowadays is to specialize from the starting gates, so good for you and your fetus!

I’ll bet your man had the foresight to knock you up in the April too, giving your child a January birthday, so that by the time the kid is in his/her last year of Little League/12-U, s/he can be the oldest kid for in the age group — giving him/her size/strength advantage! (Double-check his math with this league age calculator.) By the way, that timing might be different for girls, but since softball isn’t even an Olympic sport anymore, never mind have a pro league of their own, who really cares?

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Worry explodes like so many watermelons
Bitch’in Life, Humor

The Joy of Worry

6 comments

I’m in the checkout line at Trader Joe’s (when am I NOT in the checkout line at Trader Joe’s?), and I suddenly realize I’ve left my cell phone in the car. Struck by the lack of distraction, I do something that I don’t do nearly enough: I let my mind wander.

My eyes alight on the kids’ soccer ball-sized seedless watermelon in my cart, which is snuggled in between a bag of mini sweet peppers and a box of organic mixed medley cherry tomatoes. Nothing is in season, and yet everything looks amazingly cute, sweet, and perfect.

This realization fills me with panic and possibly a small existential crisis. Once I have my trusty phone back in hand, I’ll easily confirm my worst fears — that no good can come of tiny, off-season, hybrid produce. (Spoiler Alert: Survey says, True Dat on the tomatoes, and the rest I’ll leave you to worry about.)

Still in the checkout line, I am now acutely aware that when I get back to the car, my phone will likely be lit up with texts, emails, and voicemails — so now I worry, what if my kids need me? They could be home alone when an earthquake hits (that did happen), injured at practice, or just generally in need of assistance on their race to nowhere. And here I am daydreaming about GMOs and global warming

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