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bitch'in news
Bitch’in Life, Humor

Good News!

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Did you like the title of this blog post – “Good News!”?

Yah, well, if you’re anything like me (and if you’re reading this, I’m guessing you are), I am so emotionally exhausted by all the horrific news out there in our country and the world that I welcome good news — something, anything will do.

Sadly, you have to really dig through the headlines to unearth some rays of light.

Happily, I’m all about finding what’s most bitch’in in life, and so I’ve dug up a few nuggets to brighten your day and reassure you that all is not lost…

Taylor Swift and Kanye West are both human… and the news cycle can be interrupted by silly things like pop star “feuds”: The crazy brouhaha over whether or not Taylor was aware of Kayne’s lyrics about her in his song “Famous” that transpired this past week because of Kim’s SnapChat story was in my humble opinion, very life affirming. In it, you see Kanye talking like a normal dude who just wants to be friends, and Taylor being cordial and thanking him for the heads up, saying she was sure the lyrics about them possibly having sex cuz he “made that bitch famous,” were just “tongue and cheek.” Kim was trying to say that Taylor’s subsequent bashing of Kanye was uncool, but all it really served to do is show that Taylor is human — we yes people to death that we don’t really like to get them off our backs and then the chips fall where they may. And Kanye too, seemingly has some feelings. If any of the story is true, he was trying not to be a complete dick, which is a nice, humanizing thought as well. read more

100 more reasons you'll always be a camper
Bitch’in Life, Humor, My Bitches

100 (More) Reasons You’ll Always Be a Camper

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It’s that time of year again — temperatures are rising, school’s out and if you’re like me, you start an inner final-phase countdown toward the two months you live ten for: summer vacation.

Thing is, it ain’t necessarily what it used to be. As a grown-up, summer “break” starts with a mad scramble of labeling underwear, a seemingly endless stream of P (planning, prepping and packing) and the inevitable draining of all your assets (time, energy, finances) and ends with someone else heading out for the time of her/his life while you sit at home, hitting the goddamn refresh button on the camp website to see if you can catch a glimpse of your kid looking as happy as you always were when you were her/his age.

All I can say is STOP THAT. Stop it right now because you and I both know that once a camper, always a camper. You don’t need to live vicariously through your child because camp is in your blood and makes you a better person every single day. read more

women over and under 30 listicle
Bitch’in Life, Humor

24 Things Women Over and Under 30 Should Do

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This week in Facebook land many of my bitches were passing around an old listicle by Kallie Provencher of Rantchic titled, “24 Things Women Should Stop Wearing After Age 30” like a used condom — with great disdain and no small amount of disgust.

I actually love me a good listicle — I mean, who DOESN’T click on “19 All Too Real Reasons Moms are Late,” (#1 – Because time flies when you’re raising humans [my #1, not theirs]), “27 Things You Need to Know About Fetty Wap,” “25 Famous Women on Crying,” or “12 Hitlers That Look Like Cats?”

But when listicles by women for women throw shade on, well, other women, there are way too many reasons to recite for why that’s not OK.

And Kallie’s insipid list of things that presumably you and I should stop wearing (i.e. “graphic tees – better left for those lazy days off and not public outings,” “Victoria’s Secret’s PINK – wear your big girl panties please,” “oversized glasses – they might be fun but they’re not mature”) would madden even a young Millennial. read more

the funny thing about vaginas
Humor, Parenting

The Funny Thing About Vaginas

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I’m calling it here and now: 2016 is the Year of the Vagina.

We are in a post-modern vag-world now, y’all. Our nether region, once taboo in mainstream media, has become a pretty much daily staple, thanks to celebs like Kim Kardashian, whose Constagrammed cooze and serial spreading for mags is surely an inspiration to us all and Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s opened our eyes to the Mugworth V-Steam (“an energetic release — not just a steam douche…”) as a the “it” girl of spa treatments and homemade lube alike.

Although these bold illustrations surely indicate that penis envy is out, cooter coveting is in, the vaginal tipping point for me is the idea that periods are FINALLY FUNNY.

In one night I caught up on the Season 3 finale of Broad City and a recent episode (#4) of Inside Amy Schumer, and found a wealth of menstrual material.

First off, Broad City’s finale about BBFs Abbi and Ilana heading to Israel on a “Birthmark” (riff on Birthright) trip had a hashtag that said it all — #therewillbebLOOd. (Periods aside, there was a freakin’ hysterical joke about the “mohel chai” club, too.)  The two-part finale was essentially a running gag about menstruation that started with Ilana going through security wearing a Shark Tank-worthy innovation: period-stained pants that kept drug-sniffing dogs from finding the weed she was smuggling in her vagina, and ended with her fashioning a homemade tampon for Abbi from a pita and various other, uhm, inventive materials that was mistaken for a bomb. read more

oldchella to the cut hell no we wont go
Humor

From Oldchella to “The Cut” – Hell No, We Won’t Go… Or Will We?

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The last couple of weeks have been a blur as I’ve been down the rabbit hole with a sick child.

If you’re a parent, or even have a pet you adore, you know how that illness sitch goes: routines be damned, time stands still and you shore up in your nest, focusing all your healing energy on your baby.

When you emerge, it’s like leaving a movie theater after watching a traumatizing film, say about evil clowns or demonic puppets — you blink your eyes, attempting to focus as bright light shocks your system.

Try as you may, it’s nearly impossible to shake off that unnerving feeling that nothing is the same and nobody is safe.

And then I turned on the radio for the first time in a couple of weeks, and the first word I heard confirmed my worse fears… it was… OLDCHELLA.

Talk about shuffling off this mortal coil — in bedroom slippers and a drool-stained robe to the strains of “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.”

If you don’t know what “Oldchella” is (because your kid is sicker than mine or you’re technically dead), it’s a megaconcert to be put on by Coachella producer Goldenvoice over two weekends, October 7-9, 2016 and October 14-16, 2016 featuring classic rock giants (dinosaurs?) The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, Neil Young, Roger Waters and The Who. The average age of the rockers is 71.7; at a price tag of around a grand, you better hope you get some sort of AARP discount or maybe they take Medicare? read more

bitch'in suburbia f words
Bitch’in Life, Humor, My Bitches

50 of My Favorite F Words

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I love the F word.

In fact, I love all words that start with F.

Well, mostly all of them. I am very honestly working on the word “fifty,” which has been a hard one to allow to roll off the tip of my tongue and embrace with my whole heart. But after today, I feel like I can drop that load and move on to more important things, like cracking the code for world peace or meditating on the meaning of life.

For now, though, an exercise in F words feels like a positive distraction and a fun little listicle that I’d love you to join in on (so comment below). For the record, here are my fifty favorite F words, in no real order:

50) Fascination: I find that fascination is an excellent distraction. Once you hook onto something interesting that captures your attention and piques your curiosity, it’s much more likely you’ll finish the task at hand. Or at least have a chance at grabbing a little passion for what you’re doing.

49) Father: While I’m not so happy with the frequency my dad kicks my butt in Words with Friends, I am happy to know that his genetics allow me to pay that butt kicking forward. Also, I will always be my dad’s little girl, and that is the ultimate safety net and blessing. read more

adolescence
Bitch’in Life, Humor

10 Sure Signs You’re in Your Second Adolescence

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Adolescence, as we all know, is a transitional stage from childhood to adulthood that’s marked by disruption, disorientation and discovery.

And as I recall it from the first time around, it also was exhilarating and soul crushing all at once. I mean, c’mon — did we learn nothing from The Breakfast Club?

Lately I’ve been having a bunch of feelings that I know I’ve felt before, and until I started poking around the Internets, I didn’t realize that a “second adolescence” is not only normal, but to be expected from people of a certain age.

Apparently it pops up in your 30s, 40s, 50s and whenever you retire.

This makes me feel better because I’d hate to be going through something without the camaraderie of my peers. (AHA! Another sure sign of adolescent behavior!)

Speaking of peers, I will say that astute readers of this here blog have noticed a trend of late, a certain inner wrassling that is spilling out into the world like a live-action diary cuz you know — the struggle is real. Literally, as in I’m getting in street brawls, screaming about reemergencies, refusing to age gracefully (unlike Cindy Crawford), scrawling To Don’t lists a mile long, and cursing out people for being mean to my fellow GenXers and me. read more

cindy and my advice
Humor, My Bitches

Cindy Crawford & My Advice on How to NOT Look Your Age

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The other morning at the crack I was at Starbucks, buying a couple of chocolate croissants, a Frappuccino and some juice for my kids who were coming home from a trip on an overnight bus.

Standing in front of me was a chatty lady that was also on an early morning teen-related mission of heading to a swim meet. Based on the activity, her willingness to pair skinny jeans with New Balance running shoes (hullo, comfort AND style in one ensemble!) and her cute but easy pixie ‘do, I figured we were both about the same age.

She, on the other hand, exclaimed in genuine disbelief about me being old enough to have teenagers. That somehow I must’ve been a baby when I started having babies. And how good it was for me, although she could never pull it off.

Initially I was flattered — I mean, who among us in our youth-obsessed culture doesn’t want to be mistaken for an ingénue? — but as she headed out the door, blowing on her steaming non-fat latte, I got pissed.

Not at her for trying to be nice to me, but at her for disparaging herself because clearly we had the same half-century or so in our rear view mirrors. read more

love yourself
Bitch’in Life, Humor

69 Ways to Love Yourself

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Love is in the air, and if you take a big, honkin’ sniff in, you might notice its scent of late smells a bit… familiar.

The tastemakers are at it again, and this time the person they’re telling you to love most of all is, well, yourself.

Maybe you’re not into Hailee Seinfeld, the actress/model/pop star who hashtagged the idea last summer (“Love Myself“) or perhaps you can turn away from the infectious groove of Justin Bieber’s “Love Yourself— potentially a fuck-you to his ex, who is doing an impressive job of her own self-worship of late — but when the boy croons it, I’ll take it at face value.

Outta the mouths of babes, sure, but when you think about it, all they’re doing is quoting Kierkegaard (“Don’t forget to love yourself”), Rumi (“If I love myself / I love you, If I love you / I love myself”) and Lucille Ball (“Love yourself first and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”) — among others, amiright? read more

naked and afraid
Bitch’in Life, Humor

The Joy of Being Naked and Afraid

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Spoiler alert: If you haven’t seen The Revenant yet AND if you’ve never experienced a Korean spa scrub* before, then shield your eyes before reading this post. Feel free to peek between your fingers, though. 

Last week in the wake of several celebs kicking the bucket way too early (notably Bowie <<still weeping>>), I published a list of 50 things you must do NOW.  Not all of the numerical choices were intentional EXCEPT #11 — “Be naked more often.”

Because, you know, things are much better when they go to eleven.

Full disclosure: When I wrote the list, I had just made a plan with a brand, spankin’ new BBF (Best Bitch Forever) to visit a Korean spa, which is something that I’ve been wanting to do as long as I can remember.

That means all the way back to my college daze when I waitressed in a diner/Korean restaurant, and the ladies that did all the cooking and heavy-duty pan washing had hands as soft as a baby’s tush. When I asked what their secret was, they told me that it was all about the scrub. read more