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The Bitch’in List 2013 + Predictions for 2014

The New Year is upon us, and there are two words on the tip of my tongue and at the top of my mind:

Ron Burgundy.

(Just kidding, but isn’t it crazy how that dude was EVERYWHERE in the 4th quarter, 2013? The marketing was better than the movie, which I give one snap, and by the hymen of Olivia Newton-John, several nose-snorting chortles.)

The real two words I have for you are THANK YOU.

You and your eyeballs are totally appreciated. I am so honored to be your bitch — and I didn’t even have to twerk, cook meth, or pick a feud with Kanye!

And in the end, from the mixed bag of ramblings I bring to you each week, I remain delighted and mystified as ever before as to what floats my bitches’ boat. So rather than a “Best of” list, I bring you “The Bitch’in List 2013,” which is my own version of the year in review:

1) You love it when I talk dirty to you: Strangely or predictably enough, posts in which the title included an f-bomb or other 4-letter word got loads of play — despite the fact that oddly sanitized Facebook wouldn’t let me promote those naughty-language posts. I’m talking about When Autism Speaks, It Says Some Awesome Sh*t ,What’s on Your F*ckit List?, Open Letter to Breast Cancer: F*ck You, and What Pink Teaches Us About Being F**kin’ Perfect.

2) You also like when I make you cry: This is totally sick of me, I know, but when I make myself cry while writing a blog post, I know it’s gonna hit my bitches like a sucker punch to the heart. And the Rachel McAdams Award for Most Bitch’in Tearjerkers 2013 goes to… Parental Misguidance, Why the Zombie Apocalypse Always Makes Me Weep, and The Ad That Always Makes Me Cry.

3) It’s a Woman-Eat-Woman World, and my bitches are sick of it! Ladies, let’s rock a Kumbaya, hold hands, and try harder to be Best Bitches Forever (BBFs). Can I get a witness? (Try The Mommy Wars Within — How to Pick Your Battles, The Shocking Truth About PTA Moms, and What Not to Say to A Woman.)

4) And sometimes the worst enemy is… ourselves: Maybe you’re Fat Like Me, have panic attacks, or even a touch of OCD. Let it go — nobody’s perfect. (Well, besides Beyonce.)

5) When tragedy strikes, at least we have each other. From the horror of the Boston Marathon, I found comfort in The Zen of Facebook. And speaking of tragedy, from Sandy Hook to Centennial, Colorado I think we can all agree that something’s gotta give when it comes to guns in this country.

6) Amidst all the tough stuff, we do love to laugh — particularly at ourselves. You guys loved The Parental Dress Code Memo: What Not To Wear and Does This New Technology Make Me Look Old?

7) We yearn for simpler days — if only we could go back to camp, or live like the Brady Bunch.

8) And sometimes the biggest inspiration comes in the smallest packages. I’m talking about the amazing accomplishments of the Chocolate Bar Book boys, 2013!

9) Parenting is as much a verb as ever before. So keep in mind there are many good things about being a bad mother, at least 7 Ways to Survive a Family Road Trip, and everyone lies at least little bit when they talk to their kids about sex.

10) You can have it all! But having it all and doing it all are two different things. And the choice is all yours.

As for 2014 Predictions, here’s what my Bitch’in crystal ball has to say:

– Kale is over. 2014 is the year of Kohlrabi. And I’ll take Cool Whip over either one of them, thank you very much.

– From the everything old is new again files, bad perms will leap off the big screen and into a salon near you. I myself favor a tasteful cornrow.

– With more programming and content available at our fingertips than ever before, French manicures will go the way of the dinosaur, and we’ll all replace our fingernails with styluses.

– And the Oscar for Best Picture, 2014 goes to….  22 Jump Street! (NOTE: If Mr. Tatum doesn’t nab the big boy for this one, then there’s always his superstar turn in the other biggest movie of 2014.)

– Thanks to Game of Thrones and general artery exhaustion, the Paleo diet will move on to the next significant millennium in terms of “healthy eating” — the Medieval diet. To offset all the porridges and meatpies, jousting and fencing will be highly recommended.

– Cabbage patching will oust the Harlem Shake and twerking. (This might just be wishful thinking as that’s the only dance move I know.)

– The Zamboni will replace wrecking balls as the most erotic piece of equipment in 2014. It just sounds dirtier.

– Dance Moms and Cheer Moms are over; Chess Moms move in for the kill.

– We stop caring about what the fox says. We do, however, continue to listen to Dr. Phil against our collective better judgment.

– Love remains the answer — was there ever any question about that?!

To all my bitches far and wide, I wish you a happy, healthy new year and all Bitch’in Things in 2014!

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