Did you have your selfie a merry and a happy?
Now that the holidaze are over, the relentless clock is ticking down on 2014. It’s just about time to usher in a brand new baby new year that’s so gorgeous and fantastic, we’ll all want to dress her up in Balmain-inspired Kardashian Kids Klothing.
But before we get there, I’d just like to take a minute to spread some gratitude all over you like so much delicious Justin’s Chocolate Almond Butter (my new paleo-ish obsession!). I so appreciate your eyeballs, your comments, your social media interactions — and YOU, bitch’in YOU!
I’m always really intrigued about the blog posts that hit home, and the themes that resonate. As I gaze back on all I’ve covered in this past year, I see a pattern where world events dovetail or perhaps collide with our collective personal headspace in the Bitch’in Year in Review 2014. Here then are the waves that we rode in the past year, month by month:
January 2014: My BBFs Tina Fey & Amy Poehler kicked off January at the Golden Globes with one of the best lines ever about the film Gravity: “It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.” Clooney validated that joke in September 2014 by marrying a woman 17 years his junior — although no never mind to Mrs. Clooney who is bright, beautiful, and dignified in her own right. Indeed, my GenX bitches all agreed that there were at least 7 Ways Old School Beats Being a Young Fool. For example, ladyscaping is a snap, the social media camera almost never turns on us, and perhaps most importantly, we’ll never have to know how to make an Half Caff, Ristretto, Venti, 4-Pump, 120-degree, Sugar Free, Cinnamon, Dolce Soy Skinny Latte, as our post-college careers don’t depend on our Barista skills. (PHEW!)
February 2014: We are lovers, all of us — 2014 was a watershed year for marriage equality, and now almost anyone who can get married can do so in 35 states. While we love to be in love, we also know what Love Really Is… and it’s not what you see on the Bachelor (but damn it, who wouldn’t want to get a rose for just lookin’ purty?) It’s farting in front of your loved one (and blaming the dog), letting your partner “sleep in” (until 7:00 .m., ha!), and saying you’re sorry (despite the b.s. Love Story told and sold us).
March 2014: Gay marriage wasn’t the only big winner in 2014; pot was also the “it” girl of legalization (which I’m down with, but I still might criticize it, too). And speaking of “it” girls, have you gotten Elsa/ “Adele Dazeem’s” rendition of “Let It Go” unstuck from your craw yet? And while you’re at it, just know that we are all maturing and really do want to let go of the stuff we’re holding onto — I know this because How to Really Let It Go was my most shared blog post of the year!
April 2014: While there are many things that happened in April, you and I were probably both knee-deep in youth sports, sipping our coconut waters on the sidelines, silently cursing the other competitive parents and their blasted athletic offspring, and blissfully unaware of world events (save taking a brief time-out to ponder the horribly exciting/terrifying “conscious uncoupling” of Gwyneth and Chris). Then again, maybe there came a beautiful early spring day when you found yourself in line at Trader Joe’s and the sight of an off-season, precocious tiny watermelon set off a horrendous existential crisis about global warming, the race to nowhere, and this burning question: Will you EVER be Upworthy?
May 2014: While some people might have been bounding around a Maypole, others of us were in the thick of the springtime frenzy, desperately seeking a way to hit the reset button. Here on the West Coast, there was yet another senseless murder spree in Santa Barbara. I mention this to remind you that some of the most tragic events of 2014 are big, phat wake-up calls: we need legislation that doesn’t obliterate Second Amendment rights (see how I’m reaching across the aisle?) BUT does offer effective gun control. (That was a post I wrote in May 2013! C’mon people, let’s do this thing by May 2015!)
June 2014: There’s one word that ALWAYS springs to mind in June, and that’s CAMP! Of course we are people of a certain age, so our version might just be a real woman’s weekend away to enjoy some straight-up Vagina Dialogues.
July 2014: This July was a strangely heavy month for all of us. Tensions in the Middle East boiled and overflowed; planes crashed; typhoons devastated Asia. Closer to home, my BBFs lost their dad who left an amazing legacy including How to Write Your Own Obituary. Sometimes the best cure for the summer time blues is a nice staycation, which my bitches all seem to understand and appreciate.
August 2014: In the heat of summer, we all cooled down by dumping buckets of ice on our heads to raise funds and awareness for ALS*. This was a great way to get involved and connect, as what was going on in our world, from Isis to Ebola to Ferguson and to losing Robin Williams, was almost too much to bear. Maybe that’s why a slightly sappy post called B in the Moment about appreciating every beautiful minute we get with friends and loved ones hit a chord.
September 2014: While we were all ready to go Back to School and get our groove back on, early September had has talking about the death of Joan Rivers, the patron saint of all Bitch’in women. Then again, Joan’s life and career was proof positive that Life’s a Bitch… and That’s a Good Thing. The hardest things we go through — the very things that we bitch about — are also what make life memorable. Funny. Delightful. And precious.
October 2014: For the umpteenth “Breast Cancer Awareness” October in a row, I would like to continue to say for the record F*ck Cancer. (Although Ebola certainly tried to give old lady C a run for her lethal money in 2014…) Also grabbing headlines in October was Bruce Jenner — aka the excommunicated Kardashian — for his long hair and fluid gender. This just shows to go ya that our attention is in deep doo-doo thanks to our 24/7 digital culture and it’s unrelenting demand for “news” and “information.” Surviving all of this, and perhaps in preparation for what could possibly come next, took some steeling up with 7 Soft Ways to Push Hard, as well as some Bitch’in advice on how to Win Battles Without Losing Your Sh*t.
November 2014: Forget midterm elections… ignore immigration policy, Russia, global warming (huge snow storms in the East, 90-degree weather in the West), the unfathomable outcome in Ferguson, the rise of police brutality, Isis, and all your worries… instead, break the Internet with Kim Kardashian’s hot-crossed, glazed buns and guzzle an orgasmic eye rush of frothy champagne. There, don’t you feel better now? No? Me neither… which is probably what helped forced me into a big, phat Wake-Up Call.
December 2014: Here we are! We’ve arrived at the 2014 finish line! The Third World War has been averted by Sony Pictures pulling the plug on The Interview, which just about sums out the Yin/Yang of 2014 — one person’s entertainment is another’s war. (And yes, it’s entirely possible I will kill you if you take my Netflix. Astute readers of this here blog will know that in 2014 I binge-watched Orange is the New Black, Game of Thrones, and all 10.5 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy. On deck are Transparent, Orphan Black, and The Wire, as well as seeing how it goes as the U.S. normalizes relations with Cuba, so see you in 2016…) We’ve also completed the Bitch’in Challenge, which got the best, more inspiring ending possible, thanks to the magnificent Chocolate Bar book boyz who hit their goal of raising a million bucks to cure GSD 1b and have forever proved that miracles happen… especially when you expect them.
Now, onward to predictions for 2015:
– While 2014 was all about the bass, 2015 will be all about the alto sax. Your guess of what that means is as good as mine… but hopefully it’ll rock some groovy beats nonetheless.
– Feminism will continue to blossom like one of Georgia O’Keefe’s red cannas. (That’s a visual that even Kim K can’t co-opt… or can she in 2015? Actually, don’t answer that…)
– Pharrell’s Happy Arby’s hat will duke it out with Slash’s top hat — now there’s a celebrity chapeau smack down I’d love to see!
-We will officially abandon English as our national language and turn exclusively to Emojis, because
– Channing Tatum will be the next celeb whose private naked pics are leaked; I’m not saying by whom, but if I disappear Snowden-style for a few months, don’t be surprised. It’s public service, people, not a sex crime!
– The U.S. sends the entire Kardashian clan, including Bruce Jenner, to North Korea in a move that most see equivalent to detonating a cultural nuclear bomb. In related news, the country launches its first reality show, Keeping Up With Kim Jong-un, executively produced by Kris Jenner. An enthralled nation lays down its arms and takes selfies and belfies instead. (#makeitstop #sorrynotsorry)
– Tinder settles down and gets married; spawns new app, Cinder. Use it to flip through images of candle lit dinners, steamy romps in a hot tub, champagne toasts… anything to remind you that the flames may have dimmed, but there’s plenty of heat left. (Caution: do not alight on loads of laundry, dirty dishes in the sink, long days at work, carpools, or anything else that can snuff out that flame!)
– We discover evidence that cavemen ate Cool Whip — an entire nation of Paleo dieters rejoice!
– Facebook rolls out a new feature that allows them to control all of our thoughts and actions. Nobody really notices because we’re all too busy checking out pictures of sunsets, cute animals doing silly things, lunch, people we knew 30 years ago, and of course, ourselves.
– We’ve had enough with overpriced waters, juices, and coffees — onward to expensive air!
– Love remains the answer — was there ever any question about that?!
To all my bitches far and wide, I wish you a happy, healthy new year and all Bitch’in Things in 2015!
* When the ALS ice bucket challenge was in full-swing this past summer, little did we know that the horrible disease would claim one of our own before year end. This blog post is dedicated to Mr. Hirsch, the principal of Hesby Oaks Leadership Charter (my children’s K-8 span school), who passed away on December 23rd, 2014. He was a loving, caring, thoughtful teacher, mentor, administrator, and friend to the students, staff, and families. He also had a great sense of humor and was not afraid to get a little bit silly to give the kids a laugh. He will be greatly missed.