The trouble started at the annual Victoria’s Secret post-holiday sale.
You might think that I was there to buy some sexy lingerie, a hot push-up bra, or perhaps a pair of crotch-questionable panties. To be honest, it actually was not that specific… just a feeling that I could use a little sprucing up in the new year.
While I did browse the butt-string and the sequined panties and the lacy nothings, in the end I decided that my long days of spinning the gerbil wheel would be more comfortable in some plain cotton undies, which not surprisingly wasn’t so much in the VS wheelhouse.
This was the first clue that I desperately need to bring sexy back.
The second indication is what I did walk out of Victoria’s Secret with: a super cuddly pair of flannel men’s pajamas.
When I modeled them for my husband, he said just this: “Luuuucy, I’m home!” And then he also muttered something about me being a “Mertz” just in case I didn’t catch the reference.
Later that night as I binge-watched my latest obsession, Orphan Black, the Universe sent me the third and final clue that not only have I totally lost my game, I’ve actually become a cliché for the desperately unsexy suburbs.
The premise of the show (SPOILER ALERT if you have been living in a dark cave and have never heard of Orphan Black) is that a woman (Sarah Manning) randomly discovers that she is a clone and that there are many iterations of herself running around the world. One of her doppelgängers is Alison Hendrix, a suburban soccer mom. In an utterly hilarious/is-this-real-or-is-it-my-nightmare scenes, Alison is distracted by clone business and forgets there’s a potluck at her house, so when guests arrive, she’s still in her flannel PJ’s — visible panty lines (VPLs) and all.
Here’s the soccer mom kicker: the flannel pajamas Alison wears is a clone of the pair I bought for myself at Victoria’s Secret. I even think we have the same VPLs!
Assuming I don’t have a brick house doppelgänger that can fool people into thinking I still got it, I decided to make a concerted effort this week to get my sexy back. And by that, I mean bringing the heat (unrelated to hot flashes) so once again I feel alive and desirable.
For my bitches who just raised their hands and hiked up their mom jeans in a show of both solidarity and shared interest, I caution you: getting your sexy back is a relatively masturbatory exercise, as my feeling is you have to get your motor running yourself first before you roar out the gates with anyone else.
Here are 7 ways to get it on:
7) Do an undergarment inspection: I know it sounds clinical, but evaluate everything — bras, undies, even socks. Burn anything with unintentional holes in it. And in cleaning out my drawers, I realized I had a sizable stash of frilly bits that I’m going to wear when you — and I — least expect it.
6) Restock your wardrobe: I went back to VS, and picked up a few doodads. I still needed some more sensible daily wear, but guess what? Even that can be sexy. The cotton panties from the Gap are low-slung and have lacy boarders, just sayin’.
5) Slow down: This is a remnant of the Bitch’in Challenge — stress is the opposite of sexy. So take a minute or two or six each day to pause, relax, and enjoy.
4) Break a sweat: It’s hard to feel sexy if you’re stagnant. Plus it’s the new year and perfect timing to get back to working out until you are a slick, sweaty beast. And remember, dancing to a hot jam, rollerskating in your skivvies, and even pole dancing for the stiletto savvy are all great ways to get your blood boiling and your libido racing.
3) Do yourself up: A little make-up, a new ‘do, a wax or a shave: it’s nothing short of miraculous what looking good can do for your self-confidence. I’m told places like Sephora or the MAC counter offer free makeovers, but even a shiny new lip gloss from CVS to replace your crappy old Chapstick can work wonders.
2) Rock on with your cock on: I just like to say that, but I also really, truly did it at a Foo Fighters concert over the weekend. There is NOTHING you can do with your clothes on that will get you going like a good old-fashioned head-banging night of rock ‘n roll.
And here’s a little bonus secret about the suburbs that will help you bring your sexy back: rock gods are among us! It’s true — at the Foo Fighters show, Dave Grohl brought up a litany of friends whom I have spied in my ‘hood: Alice Cooper (saw him waiting for take-out at a precious gourmet cafe), Slash (his kid used to play rec basketball at the same time as mine and I’d see him in the stands enjoying the same coma-butt as the rest of us parents), Paul Stanley of KISS (was in a preschool parents group with a friend of mine), and even Dave Grohl himself, whom I’ve seen driving around in a vintage convertible. Knowing that these sexy bastards have changed diapers, pick up their own food, and cheer their kids on makes the daily grind feel more like a rippin’ hot shred.
1) Have sex. That’s the point of bringing sexy back, right?!!!
So if you see me promising not to stop when you say when, just know that sexy is back — and not even a pole-dancing clone can take it away if you re-stake your claim to your sensual, sultry self.
Now, to get you rockin’ on with your you-know-what on (and to help you understand that “So if you see me promising…” quote that may have seemed oddly out of place to the un-Foo Fighters anointed), enjoy “Everlong”:
Photo credit: BBC America, Orphan Black