Ahhhh, February. Love is in the air, and actually it has been since Christmas ended. Retail has a funny way of pushing holidays nowadays far longer than perhaps they should be.
Then again, love is the answer, always, and so why not celebrate? Speaking of celebrations, this is the 100th installment of Bitch’in Suburbia, and for that I am incredibly grateful. I love having a place to hang my thoughts, feelings, expressions, words, favorite videos, beloved songs, and pictures of my bitch. And I love that you take the time to read, comment, and hopefully get a giggle or occasionally shed a tear here.
With all of that in mind, I bring you a list of 100 Bitch’in things to love right now (less of a listicle, more of a listache), in no particular order:
1) The invasion of bacon. I haven’t tried bacon ice cream yet, but I can certainly vouch for Bacon Mac ‘n cheese.
2) A well-poured, icy-cold, extra dirty vodka martini. Clearly shaken, not stirred.
3) A mild winter. (Sorry my East Coast friends! Extra pardons to anyone who thinks this means I condone Global Warming — I really don’t. I just like living in a temperate climate.)
4) $27 massages — All legal, and hopefully available in your town.
5) The word, “baller.” As in, “Lady (or Dude) — You just got off work, picked up your kids, hit a dental appointment, ran the pooch by the vet, made it to Math & Science night on time, and somehow fed everyone 3-squares in between. You are a total baller.”
6) 17 states and the District of Columbia have now legalized same sex-marriage. Let love rule! (Seriously, lagging states and the Supreme Court — time for you to wake up and stand up for love.)
8) Lorde’s dark purple lipstick. (According to NY Magazine, MAC lip pencil Vino + MAC Cyber [blackish purple] + MAC Heroine [pink-based purple].)
9) Bruno F*cking Mars. I saw him perform live last year, and you got a good taste of his real-deal James Brown meets Prince meets MJ meets Sting meets holy shit dealio. Run, don’t walk, to his next gig.
10) Tulips, preferably in purple or sunset yellow-orange. (This is not a hint. Well, maybe it is.)
11) The funny things I know my bitch does when she’s home alone. (Like this guy.)
12) A good read. Still coming down from The Goldfinch.
13) Trader Joe’s. So many delightful and easy options for meals and snacks — if only TJ’s fixed that clusterfuck they call parking, it would be Nirvana.
14) Adorable fruit & veggies, like Cuties and baby carrots.
15) Brunch. (Remember brunch? Please serve my with well-done hash browns and a side of sausage.)
17) Libraries, the physical ones. Then again, I also love my AmazonPrime cuz you get to use the Kindle Owner’s Lending Library.
18) Marc Maron and his WTF podcast.
19) Kale salad. (LA Peeps, check out the Kale Caesar at Mendocino Farms, yum.)
20) Now chase that healthy shit down with an In-N-Out burger and fries. (Sorry again East Coast peeps – but then again, you have Dunkin’ Donuts and we don’t, so that sucks. For now — I hear Baskin & Robbins is helping Dunki’s push into Cali… donuts + ice cream = joy.)
21) Multi-colored Kai knives. The cheapest, most adorbs, and most effective tools at Williams Sonoma.
22) Almond milk. (Sorry rice, soy, and actual cow varieties — also, make mine chocolate, please.)
24) Real ways to save the planet are at your fingertips. Big love to our Chevy Volt in particular, but even by bringing your own bags to grocery stores or filling a Sig bottle instead of grabbing a bottled water makes a difference.
25) Upworthy is an antidote to online snark.
27) BBFs (Best Bitches/Bastards Forever). You know who you are.
28) Space age mops and vacuum cleaners. I know that’s very desperate housewife of me to say, but I am a bit of a housework addict, so indulge me here.
29) Sarah Silverman and her recent Lady Parts Justice Pro Choice video. Twisted, funny, and blasphemous. And a one-two punch in the fight for women’s health. See you at V to Shining V on September 27th!
30) Fuzzy slippers and/or Uggs that you wear après-ski and/or also to shuffle around the house in. (Personally, I don’t ski but I love bundling up.)
31) Netflix and all the opportunities for full-hearted binging. (And I LOVE this post from The Suburban Jungle, “Binge Watching TV Has Turned Me Into the Paranoid, Drunk Lesbian I Am Today.”)
32) Plain old drip coffee or at most, a basic latte (especially from Urth Caffe my LA peeps). You’ll never hear me order a Half Caff, Ristretto, Venti, 4-Pump, 120-degree, Sugar Free, Cinnamon, Dolce Soy Skinny Latte. And I really love that I’ll never have to make one of those suckers, either.
34) Imperfect bodies are also all the rage. (Thank you, Lena Dunham, for a weekly reminder.)
35) Radiant Orchid is the color of the year. That just makes me happy.
36) GPS apps are changing my direction-challenged world. Special shout out to Waze. Do not deviate from robo-Waze’s seemingly oddball instructions, and also please resist the urge to interact with its adorable cars and fuzz-reporting capabilities unless you are a passenger.
37) Words With Friends. Still hooked almost 400 games later. I’d like to think playing a half dozen games a day = a daily dose of Alzheimer’s prevention.
39) Netted by the Webbys: The best way to keep up on life-changing websites and apps.
40) Jimmy Fallon. He had me at Fever Pitch, and baby, look at him now!
41) Sprouts Farmer’s Market. It’s like an affordable and less politically reprehensible/less soul sucking Whole Foods. With a dash of hippie patchouli.
42) Kiehl’s Creme de Corps. Suck it, dry skin!
43) Chipotle. Healthy junk food that my kids obsess about, and when I get it for them, they quiet right now. Sort of like a pacifier for teens/tweens.
45) Craft booze. I heart Tito’s vodka especially.
46) Matthew McConaughey. It’s good to see Wooderson finally get his due! (Although I’m too scared to watch True Detective.)
48) Skinny jeans are still in fashion. Right?
49) Reconnecting with old friends on social media. There is a certain Zen of Facebook. And I might just watch your Facebook movie, too. (Albeit with the cloying, tugging on your heartstrings/feminine spray-esque soundtrack turned OFF.)
50) Urban Outfitters Surplus. I just love it cuz my daughter and I load up there for $20.
51) Booties. Not just for babies anymore.
52) CB2’s new self-adhesive wallpaper collection. Covet it hard, pulling the trigger soon.
53) Orange cauliflower, now with 25x more Vitamin A than the white version. Plus it’s like eating healthy Cheetos (looks-wise).
54) A beautiful cheese plate. Please make mine with a triple cream, a sharp cheddar, and a smooth blue.
55) The forgiving lens. I love a good Instragram filter to smooth out the edges, and now you can apply a nice “Vesper” filter to video, too. WHEW.
56) The Fosters. My daughter & I are obsessed.
57) The proliferation of inspirational quotes. I read at least one a day on some social media feed somewhere and almost always smile.
58) Walking Dead is back! And I’m forced not to binge, so that saves me from personal zombification.
59) Roku streaming player. As long as we’re talking about binge watching, this is how I get my Netflix and a zillion things more.
60) I keep reading that the ’80s are back! Good, cuz I don’t think I ever fully left ’em. (I got some hooey that my Bitch’in Playlist for Getting Shit Done was too “retro,” so if you want an ’80s groove by some hipstersnappers, check out the wicked awesome Haim and synthy grooves of Fitz and the Tantrums. LOVE.)
61) Endless Love is back!
62) Sleeping in. (Although the concept has shifted; if I can “sleep in” until 7:00 a.m., I’m over the moon.)
63) The Daily Show. Best way to get your news.
64) Louis C.K. Absurdly brilliant in every way.
66) It makes me so mad, but I can’t stop watching Lifetime. It’s television for women… who wonder what they’d do if they slept with the enemy, had sex with their brothers, were betrayed by their BBF/mother/sister, battled an evil Dance Mom, hacked their family to death, and/or suffered from Münchausen Syndrome.
67) Lucky for all of us, and to counterbalance the horrendous guilty pleasure that is Lifetime, The Women’s Media Center is seeking to amplify women’s voices and change the conversation in the media.
68) Text messages save my life daily. And bad emojis and damn auto correct always give me something to chuckle at.
69) Valentine’s Day sex toy sales.
70) Red quinoa — a complete protein and it’s heart-healthy.
71) Portlandia is coming back later this month… prepare to put many birds on many happy places!
72) Rain at night — nature’s own sleep aid.
73) The Biggest Loser. I routinely lose my shit and weep for these beautiful people/contestants (despite the fact that Jillian Michaels appears to be willing to bite you if you don’t train harder). Can’t wait for next season! (Although PLEASE Biggest Loser, do your best to not drive your winners to an eating disorder. I remain disturbed by this season’s winner Rachel Frederickson.)
74) Pink. She’s balls out — a superstar, an aerialist, and a mom. But then again, aren’t we all?
75) It wasn’t your marijuana-laced plane OR your children’s marijuana-laced plane detained by customs on the way to the Super Bowl. There are better ways for you to make TMZ headlines (apparently not so much for the Biebs).
76) Dark chocolate sea salt caramels. Hell, YES.
77) The beach, especially along the coast of Maine. (Sorry my West Coast peeps!)
78) Family. This is #1 but I put it #78 just to be sure you’re still reading. XO
80) Camp. (Ignore the fact that I’m three decades away from it and it’s the dead of winter. I always love camp.)
82) TED. Turns out there are actually quite a few ideas worth spreading.
84) Channing Tatum. (Fill in your own adjectives and/or verbs here.)
85) Brené Brown who writes and speaks so eloquently on vulnerability, shame, imperfection, and other indoor sports.
86) The moment. Love being in the present moment; love being mindful.
87) Ampersands. Particularly as a home furnishings statement.
88) You know what happens when you can’t get shit done yourself? Why, you find some lovely trustworthy person to do it on TaskRabbit. Fantastic resource.
90) Thin Mints. (Email me if you want to order some — conveniently enough, I have a Girl Scout in da house!)
91) Pharrell’s Happy. Not to be confused with Pharrell’s hatty.
92) The proliferation of the $7.99 orchid. Cheap & exotic, just how I like it!
93) Acronyms for everything… I never have to worry about grammar, sentence structure, or even spelling ever again. LOL.
94) How young women don’t feel the need to be likeable characters (thank you again, Lena Dunham, and Mindy Kaling, you, too). We’re about to break through the idea that strong women are bitches (in the not-so-nice sense of the word) whereas strong men are commanding leaders.
95) Max Greenfield as Schmidt.
96) Cool Whip. It’s the most delightful paraffin-based dessert topping I know of, and now it’s a “frosting,” too.
97) Virtually depositing checks with my cell phone. Now if someone would just send me a check, I’d really love that, too.
98) Lobster. (Sadly I have to qualify this and say Maine only — not the oddball ones that come in small, spiny packages on the West Coast.)
99) Pet adoption. The bumper sticker says who saved whom, but you know the answer to that one — even if your pet is a goldfish.
100) You. I love you, and I urge you to love yourself. XO
So if you see me… well, nevermind. If you got this far, you’ve had enough this week from your Bitch’in Suburbia. One hundred hugs and kisses thanking you again for reading, and big love to you for being so damn awesome!